"Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers” > > 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for > bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. > > 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you > asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these > problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog > just died . . . " > > 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell > their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them > where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many > people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are > married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal > questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. > > 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is > Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a > real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" > > 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have > you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of > terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. > > 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and > keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most > fun if you can do it until they hang up. > > 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and > Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have > any friends, would you be my friend?" > > 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can > you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" > > 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to > marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just > give your credit card number to a complete stranger. > > 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and > they can't sell to employees. > > 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, > set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. > > 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her > if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call > him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers > cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want > anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and > you say, "Me either!" Hang up. > > 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. > > 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. > Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your > leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner > conversation. > > 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if > they could bring you some beer. > > 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. > > 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should > probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." > > 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a > joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" > > 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak > up . . . louder . . . louder . . . > > 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every > word down.