Thank yall SOOOOOOOOO much for your serious, informative responses... I found https://www.insectidentification.org/beetles.asp and "spotted" it. Eastern-Eyed Click Beetle (Alaus oculatus) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alaus_oculatus
Straight, AAAAAAAAND aware of this cool new thing called “internet porn”. I don’t have to beg for calendar boob, I have literally trillions of boob images and videos at my fingertips!
Time to draw attention away from the "look at my semi-nude girl who maybe shared a semi-nude pic with someone else, only it's all on Instagram already" thread: Saw this toaster at Williams Sonoma