Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

 

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a pinãta?!"

 

Mat Mladin will win the 08' AMA Superbike championship!

 

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor?...What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er......features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my goodness! You mean it has a
penis...AND a brain?"

 

Hey whose side are you on anyway???

 

Today, my feminine side…

 

New drug

Police are warning all men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

Tuner brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:

"What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet

tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around".

 

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

 

The bullshitter...

At The Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his check, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into
his parents room to
check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it
behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as
Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on
little Johnny. He opened
his bedroom door
To find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind
her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'

Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it's
your mom is it?!'

 

Fixed it `fore you got your ass shot off...

 

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

 

Threesomes....

This guy meets this older woman at a bar. Conversation over the drinks rings about the age of the woman, which is 62. However, she looks pretty darn hot for that age.

She suddenly comes right out and asks: "Have you ever had a 'sportsman's double' - a mother and daughter threesome?"

”No! But you might be able to talk me into it…!!”

Slamming back the glass of her last drink, she wipes her mouth, looks directly into his eyes and says: “Tonight is your lucky night.”

Arriving at her place, she clicks the lights in the hall on and shouts upstairs:
“Mom! You still awake?”

 

Little boy in a pirate costume and missing some front teeth knocks on a door.

Twick or tweat he yells. The lady of the house answers and thinks he is so cute she calls her husband. Tell the man what you said to me dear says she. Again the little pirate yells.. Twick or tweat!

Amused the DH asks..And where are your Buccaneers Captain?

Captain Kidd replies..under me buccin hat!

 

<Perk> Motorcycle Joke!

So after years of not having a motorcycle this guy gets the urge and hits the classifieds. Pretty soon he's looking at an unbelievably sweet deal on an older Harley. It's parked in a rickety old barn but the bike is clean and glistening with an almost showroom like finish.

He asks the old man what his secret is to keep the bike so new looking all these years. "Did you just never get it out and ride it?"

The old man points at the odometer proudly. "Over 80,000 miles and she looks as good as the day I rolled her out of the showroom. Here's my secret..."

Out of his shirt pocket he pulls a partially used tube of vaseline. He explains that any time he was riding and it started to rain he would quickly coat the exposed parts of the bike in vaseline. When things cleared back up he'd simply wipe the vaseline off and everything stayed showroom fresh all these years.

The buyer was impressed. He bought the bike and the old man even threw in his partially used tube of vaseline, which he put in his shirt pocket.

He rode the bike over to his girlfriend's house to show it off. She came out to meet him and made a fuss over his new toy. Then she said, "You know, it's time you finally met my mom and dad. Come on in, we're just about to have supper."

But on the way into the house she says, "There's something I need to tell you about my family. We play this game during our meals where nobody gets to talk. The first one to talk while we're eating has to wash all the dishes. We've been playing this game for a long time."

He's fine with that, but when he enters the house he is overwhelmed with just how long they've been playing this game. There are dirty dishes everywhere. On the stairs. On every end table. Everywhere there is a flat spot there are dirty dishes stacked. He thinks to himself, "They must have been playing this game for 10 years or more!"

So they all sit down to a quiet meal. As dinner continues he thinks to himself, "Hey, here I am in their dining room and I can pretty much have my way with my girlfriend right in front of her parents and they won't say a word!" So he puts that plan into action, enjoying some of the most unorthodox sex he's ever had.

After he's done he says to himself, "Wow, her mom's kind of cute too!" Next thing you know he's doing her right in front of her husband and daughter. Nobody says a word.

After he's done with her he sits back down and resumes eating as if nothing had happened. A minute or two later he notices that it has started to sprinkle outside. He remembers his motorcycle and stands up, pulling the vaseline out of his shirt pocket.

The old man says, "Okay, okay! I'll wash the dishes!"

 

lol

 

Additions to the dictionary

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.