Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What do you call him three months later?

Pete

 

Not a joke but something written by the same that written that HR articles and needed hits...



How do you know for a fact that you were (or are) a motorcycle racer? (in case you ever find yourself suffering from amnesia and can't remember):

-You have favourite corners and/or roads.

-On-ramps and off-ramps aren't a bother. They're a challenge.

-When you follow other drivers through a corner, you can't help but to critique their line.

-You smile a little bit when you know you hit the apex perfectly and got back on the power at just the right time.

-You shut off the A/C just before the stoplight turns green. (If you don't get this, ask a racer....)

-You will always take a longer route if it involves more enjoyable roads, despite the increased time.

-Certain driveways, rocks, trees, sign posts, and mailboxes all do double-duty as braking/acceleration markers.

-When driving on a highway, you often find that you're going faster coming out of a corner than you were entering it, but you don't remember pressing down on the gas pedal.

-You prefer standard transmissions and seldom use cruise control.

-The last thing in this world you would ever want is a self-driving car.

-Your car has an indicator which recommends which gear you should be in and it's flashing "6" long before you've hit the redline in 3rd....

 

Story time...
This one is about my oldest son and the little old lady at church.
My 17 year old son came home with a black eye one Sunday afternoon. I said I thought you went to church. Did you join fight club? He said no dad a little old lady at church did it. I said you have my attention. He said they stood to pray and her skirt was stuck in the crack of her butt. So I gently pulled the bottom of her skirt and fixed her problem. Then she turned and punched me in the face. I said gotta love those Baptist.
Round 2...
Next Sunday he comes home 2nd black eye. I just start laughing. Well???
Same little old lady he says. We stand to pray and her skirt (Same skirt) was hanging normal. I know she doesn't like that so I started tucking it in for her and well....

 

My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men…

 

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

Forget Rednecks .... If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England . If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

If vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England . If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England . If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England . If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England . If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England . If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England . If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England . If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England . If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England . If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends, you live or have lived in New England

 

Sounds like New England is pretty much Ontario.

 

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

 

Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ..
but it's still on my list

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
Emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Sadly this is true!!! Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's be Happy, while we're here!

 

^i’m not happy til you’re not happy.

 

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

 

You do like talking to yourself, don't you.

 

I do like to hear a wise man's words...

 

Listen more, speak less.

 

Prolific pantherisim.

 

What do you get when you cross a Tse Tse fly with a Mountain Climber?





Nothing! You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

 

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

 

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

 

Priest, Mass, Wife???