Caring for Parents

Looks like Mom will be coming to live with me for a while. She had a stroke in February, and although she has recovered a fair amount, she is not self sufficient (she can walk, tak and dress herself, but has a cath bag and we are not comfortable trusting her with the stove) and is failing at what seems to be an accelerating rate, at least mentally. My sister has kept her for several months, aside from a couple long stays with me so she could have a break, but she is at the end of her rope.

My and my wife's work allows a bit more fliexibility than my sisters, so that helps. Financial resources are minimal until we can sell her house, so the nicer places are out of reach and I cannot send her to the senior warehouse. Have any of you had experience with Senior Day Care or other options (aside from in home which we will do) that might provide her with some level of interaction so she doesn't vegetate in front of the tube?

Suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I knew this day would come, but damn.

 

I'm sorry, Rick. I've been through a little of this with both my grandmother and my mother.

Senior Day Care is a crap-shoot. The big problem I've seen is very high turn-over of employees/volunteers. It makes for an unstable environment, and stability is the one thing that is really needed.

The best I can suggest is to get rid of her assets as quickly as possible (fire-sale them), and burn through the revenue as fast as possible, so that Medicare can be invoked. Medicare will help pay for home care and such. Otherwise, you'll start bleeding money.

 

I'm sorry to hear that about your Mom, hopefully she can start to feel better. It's a very tough situation. The nicer places are expensive, the cheaper ones are cheaper for a reason…they just don't take as good of care of our loved ones as some do. A lot depends on your area, and the cost of putting your Mom in a nursing home. Good luck, and feel good that you're there for your Mom:up:

 

Sorry to hear about your mom. My Dad recently passed away after a 6 year battle with Alzheimer's. We had round the clock homecare (nurse) at his home that was paid by Medicare for the very reasons/concerns you stated. The county (Suffolk, NY) has a fund whereby the medicare copay could be applied to dad's bills, ie telephone, electric etc. Feel free to PM me your contact info I'll be glad to share what I know. Anthony

 

Assets are pretty much limited to her house, a very small IRA and checking. I have to go back to NC to pick her up and will finish clearing out the house so it can be listed. We are gonna try in home care as long as we can, but I wanted to get her some activities with people closer to her age.

 

That's a great idea. Being active and having a positive attitude goes a long way.

 

Check with your community services office. I'm pretty sure our local organization has pick up and drop off services. Perhaps yours may also.

 

You should probably be looking for a residential care facility.
They provide various levels of service while allowing the residents to live independently and there is the opportunity for social interaction with their peers.
My in-laws are going into this place shortly.
My wife's been worried about them for over a year because they didn't want to move out of their house, but her father is almost 93 with a heart condition and has gotten quite frail in the last few years and her mother is 86 and has Alzheimer's.
She's reached the point where she no longer recognizes her grandchildren and occasionally her own children.
We've been afraid something bad would happen to them and none of the kids live close enough to keep an eye on them. We live the closest and it's almost a 3 hour drive.
Last week, her father was at McDonald's and passed out from dehydration because he isn't eating and drinking enough, and then he woke up one night at 2 AM and couldn't find his wife in the house. The police found her wandering almost a mile from the house in her nightgown in well-below freezing temps.
These two incidents finally convinced Dad that it was time to move somewhere, and the family was lucky enough to find the residential living place through a neighbor who works there. It's not cheap, though, $145 per day.
Medicare will pay for most of that.
Hope you find a good solution, it's tough to worry about elderly parents.
My Dad has been dead for 15 years and my mother lives in an apartment that was built onto my sister's house for her a few years ago, so I have no worries there.

 

This is very, very bad information. Very bad, unless you want your parents to have the level of care unfit for humans (coverage quality level that you get from Medicare).

Medicare invokes a five year "look back" clause before opening up its checkbook. Any assets, outside the person's principle residence (I believe), can be applied to their care before assistance is provided. Anything transferred out of their name and given to others (i.e. car sold and you take $$) can be mandated to be returned to pay for the care. Be careful on how things are titled (i.e. checking and savings accounts, CD's, etc.).

For those of you in this situation that are dealing with parents with a decent amount of assets, seek the advice of a lawyer specializing in elder care.

+ 1,000,000

 

Try several different programs and facilities and figure out what and where makes her the most happy. You'll look back and regret it if you do it any differently.

It's easy to get busy with life and not make time for her. Her decline will be so much faster than you could ever anticipate so make sure you share some of your time with her.

 

If Rick's mother was totally incapacitated and needed nursing home care, then yes - it would be bad info/advice. But unless I read Rick's post totally wrong, that's not the case. She needs some in-home care and some "elder sitting." IME Medicare won't pay for any portion of kind of stuff if the patient has assets. The patient/patient's family must bear the cost until assets are exhausted.

That's the way the system is set up. It's not a good system, but it's what is available unless you have the means for expensive private care.

 

You're a good son. I've got a great uncle in an "Old folks hotel" in Yanceyville, NC. He seems to like it. I guess a good thing about it is being a very small town he knows all the people with him lol. Familiar folks to talk to and a nice chair to doze in on the porch. If you do go that route it might work out to find somewhere near the home place. It's likely she will see folk she grew up with.

I agree with Mongo though.

 

Shit like this makes me glad my folks kicked me out of the house when I was 15. Pops I might could see my way to halping if he needed a temporary hand up... but no effing way is my mother ever entering my house, much less living here.

 

Hi, This is Melissa Charlie's wife. I am a nurse case manager and have done geriatrics for years. If you look up a place for mom on the web, this is a free service and they can help with some questions. there are resources if her husband was a veteran. THis is monetary and can be up to $1200 a month. There is a 5 year look back for Medicaid; however, we did this for Charlies mom and just used her monthly income to pay for in home health. We also set his mom at the local community center so she had interaction with people her age. This was daily and there was hot lunch provided. she was there from 9-3. all I can say is keep her as independent as possible.

 

Best wishes, Rick.

 

Sorry to hear about this Rick.

If you and your wife are doing the care yourself, be sure to set up a support system to take care of the two of you. Caring for a incapacitated parent can drain you completely. Line up friends, people from church, home health aids, or whatever to make sure that this doesn't become an all consuming task for you.

I've been looking out for my folks for a long time. After Dad passed, I pressed Mom to make some choices for her future, that were within her means. She chose well, and now that she's needing more care, it's all in place for her. Look into residential facilities with "continuum of care". They won't put her out when the money runs out. They'll help her get onto Medicaid, SDI and state support, and accept that as payment till the end.

Best Wishes.

 

Been my mother's primary care giver for 4 years now. Get financial advice. Many states have laws regarding finances that allow the elder person to keep certain financial assets. In PA it used to be called "a half a loaf". Silly name, but what it did was allow the person to have a fair amount of money left when Medicare assistance kicked in. Not enough to be rich, by any means, but enough to buy clothes, entertainment, small stuff.

 

My career as been in home health and senior housing for the past 5 years. I help families and seniors find the best housing with appropriate care across the nation. Included in this is financial, legal, estate planning, real estate planning, leveraging resources like care options, VA benefits, Medicaid programs, transportation, etc..... Sorry for the commercial but if I can help anyone please PM me. I put this out there because as stated by others it is probably the most trying thing a family can go through. I have seen the caring wipe out a spouse before the needy one passes. I've seen it break down a family. I've also taken care of my mom for the last year who is terminally ill and lived with us for a while. Now my father is heading down that same path.

 

I just saw this. A Place for Mom is who I work for. You can call the call center and go through that way but I can help you directly and get you to the right person in your area plus give you my .02 if you want to contact me directly.