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Discussion in 'General' started by Metalhead, Apr 9, 2012.

  1. Metalhead

    Metalhead Dong pilot

    Yesterday morning, the Woman told Me to go upstairs and wake up the Boy. She was cooking breakfast, and She wanted Him down in twenty minutes. Like a good Husband I obeyed, after She yelled at Me like three times, and went upstairs to wake Our ten year old bundle of joy. When I popped into the room, I found the Boy stretched out on His back covered with a blanket from head to toe, and a pillow over His head. Before I yelled at Him "GIT YOUR PUNK ASS UP!", I paused and took a good look at Him. Something wasn't right. Something was....different about Him. Then it dawned on Me....

    The boy was 'sleeping in a tent'.

    I dropped My head, put My hands on My hips, and muttered "Oh yeah. It's on now!". I looked back up at Him laying there all peaceful. Memories came flooding back of Me checking in on Him at all hours of the night when He was a baby or a toddler. He was always so damned cuddly and cute and shit. What lay before Me was no longer that cute fat baby. It was now......a 58lb spindly bag of hormones. It disgusted Me.
    I slammed the door and yelled "GIT UP BOY!" not wanting to have to make eye contact with it (the boy, not the other thing) and have Him (the boy, not the other thing) be all embarassed at His current state of condition. I ran downstairs and turned towards the kitchen thinking about how thoroughly impressed I was with the...ummm....the HEIGHT and tautness....of 'the tent. He's definately gonna have Me beat.:mad:

    So I run into the kitchen and snatch up My coffee, turn to the Woman, and have this conversation with Her that confused Her, but She needed to hear anyway. Here it is......

    Me: (slurping coffee) The boy is sleeping in a tent.
    Her: Huh?
    Me: The Boy is sleeping in a tent.
    Her: I love it. My baby is still making tents. That's so cute.
    Me: No. You don't understand. He's sporting wood.
    Her: What? Sporting wood?
    Me: (slurping) That's right....wood.
    Her: What the Hell does THAT mean?


    Me: OW! Sorry. Listen. It's that time. The Boy is almost eleven. He's uhhhh....gonna start changing.
    Her: Ohhhh...I get it. The little General is standing at attention.
    Me: That's right. And thank You for remembering My favorite phrase. Now, over the next year or so, the Boy is gonna start locking Himself in His room, and locking the bathroom door when He showers. He's gonna want...uhh...His 'private time'. Don't eff with Him. He's gonna have to get it out of His system. If not, He'll be Hell to live with.
    Her: But...I don't want Him growing up and doing that! Make Him stop!
    Me: Pff. It'd be easier to hold back the tide with a broom, than make a young Boy not do.....THAT (slurp).
    Her: (Turning back to Her cooking) Y'all are gross. Y'all need to learn how to restrain Yourselves.
    Me: No way. Can't be done. We HAVE to do it.
    Her: Men are weird. Us Women can refrain.
    Me: Psh. That's cause Y'alls stuff is tucked inside and shit. Ours juts out everywhere. Can't go out in public 'JUTTING' now can We?
    Her: Well, if You tried hard enough Y'all could. You uh...still....?
    Me: (slurping) PFFFT! Daily. In fact I've already done it once today, and all this talk about it is making Me want to do it again! HAHAHAH-


    Me: OW! Anyway, leave the Boy alone and let nature take it's course.
    Her: FINE!
    Me: Oh, and by the way, You're gonna be doing THREE TIMES the amount of laundry than normal. Socks, bedsheets, blankets, towels, and pretty much anything else the Boy can find to attach Himself to. Have fun (slurping).
    Her: Thanks.

    The end.
  2. BrianC636

    BrianC636 Well-Known Member

    Classic..... Thanks for the laugh and what I have to look forward to in a couple of years with our 8 year old.
  3. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

  4. Heikes

    Heikes Well-Known Member

    You're saying your 10 year old has you beat already? That's sad for you.
  5. bEeR

    bEeR Hookers & Blow

  6. novice201

    novice201 "I'm a robot chicken!"

    I answered the phone at work just as I read that and nearly died trying to strangle the laughter. Well done.:crackup::up:
  7. Metalhead

    Metalhead Dong pilot

    I didn't say He ALREADY has Me beat, I said He's GONNA have Me beat.


  8. Funkm05

    Funkm05 Dork

    I <heart> Metalhead stories. :crackup:
  9. primo

    primo Well-Known Member

  10. kneedragger29

    kneedragger29 Well-Known Member

  11. MDGeist

    MDGeist Tropical Splash rider.

    Awesome!!! :crackup:
  12. motojoe_23

    motojoe_23 The Nephew

    A friend of mine told me a similar story about how his kid went from HATING to take a shower, to taking hour and a half showers, and the conditioner started to go three times as fast as the shampoo, and how it confused the hell out of his wife.

    He said he just let her be confused though :crackup:
  13. ZxMoke

    ZxMoke Well-Known Member

  14. R Acree

    R Acree Banned

  15. Sabre699

    Sabre699 Wait...hold my beer.

    Great saga.....thanx for the laugh.
  16. crazywolf450r

    crazywolf450r Well-Known Member

    This sentence is just ... creepy.
  17. sharkattack

    sharkattack Rescued pets over people; all day; every day

    10 years old and only 58 lbs? That's pretty dang skinny, isn't it? My (almost-in June)10 year old is 75lbs and he looks skinny as a rail. He's 4'10".
  18. L8RSK8R

    L8RSK8R Well-Known Member

    Have ya seen his hoe?

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