The news continues to get sadder. gsxracerbenny

Damn...

I can't believe this has happened. I met Scott and his family at Cycle Jam last year (pitted next to each other). They were a very positive, happy unit. We kept in touch through email and the BBS. I was concerned when Scott posted something about going through a divorce earlier this year. I never thought such an outgoing guy like him would resort to this. I am truly saddened by this news...

 

I apologize ahead of time for what will be one of my typical long-winded posts, but after what I have experienced in the past few months, I cannot help but believe I have something to offer here.

First off, Godspeed to Scott, Greg, and Trent.

The question as to how someone can take their own life, as Scott and Greg did, isn't as cut and dry as it may seem. Most of us sit back and say, "What were they thinking?" But that's because we are not experiencing their intense level of utter despair.

While I haven't raced a bike and have only ridden a few laps on the back of JU's bike with Grant Lopez, I can make this parallel. The sudden and utter emotional intensity that each of you feel when you enter a turn too hard and fast, and realize too late that a crash is inescapable, is just what people on the verge of ending their own lives are emotionally experiencing.

They essentially see an impossible situation and have lost all hope of recovering, so they choose to "get off the bike" themselves, hoping to have a lowside instead of a highside. They are so overcome by utter, crystallized despair that they believe that to continue to have hope and to "stay on the bike" will only greaten the burden and pain they will suffer.

Earlier this year, I was hit with a triple whammy. I had an ex-partner with deep pockets sue me and essentially put me out of business. This ordeal has been going on for a couple of years behind the scenes. Unfortunately, I compounded my predicament by foolishly letting the built-up anger, fear, and self-guilt (since everyone told me not to take him on as a partner) ruin my personal life. I had the greatest woman in the world with two of the greatest kids in the world and I vented my stress out on her. It didn't help matters that she was constantly preoccupied with a jealously issue that, to me, had no basis in fact because I know I had done nothing other than to keep some old pictures and letters.

Yes, being totally in love with Nancy, I should have thrown those old letters and photos away, but I didn't. No, I NEVER should have talked to her the way I did, but her jealousy concerns caused her to back away from helping me through the business ordeal, which in turn, made me even more hurt, angry, and disillusioned. I was totally worried about having to file bankruptcy, while she was totally upset about some old photos. Our tunnel vision caused us to mis-read our situations and eventually it all came to a mutual "never want to see you again" situation. It was a 50/50 blame scenario, but I still feel 100 percent at fault. As for the business situation, I also feel 100 percent at fault, because it was my decision to take this partner on, despite all the advice not to. Guilt city!

So, my entire business life and life savings were rapidly going down the drain, and even more devastating, the most perfect person for me, a woman who had entered my life at an earlier crucial point and so professed to love me, is now gone.

While this was happening, my elderly father had begun a slow and agonizing downward physical and mental spiral after a stroke he suffered late last year. Each day, I spend time with him, not only because he is my dad, but to take pressure off my mother. Under the despair of losing my business and the only woman I ever truly loved, I was also daily shown in graphic detail the inevitable decay of our physical and mental human condition in my own beloved father.

You folks are young, but I am 49. It is easy to overcome these dilemmas when you're young, but at my age....well, you can imagine what is going through my mind, especially when you see up close and personal how age WILL defeat any human spirit.

Several factors pulled me through this, but the three most important are God, my family, and Papa Thiam. I prayed and prayed for God to bring her back, but with love being blind, instead I was shown the real Nancy instead of the "on a pedestal" image I had fallen in love with. I also no longer have any self-guilt about the old letters and photos because I now know which of us was truly in love and who was not.

My family, instead of being angry and disappointed at me, unselfishly rallied behind me and helped me defend myself and to arrive at a settlement that kept me from having to file bankruptcy. They also created a strong foundation for me to get back on my feet financially.

Then, as if a miracle, a major deal suddenly came out of the blue that involves our entire family. It was as if God was rewarding those who maintained their faith, love, and concern. This deal is like a thread that will help every single member of our family and couldn't have come at a better time. I have no doubt that it was Heaven-sent.

Finally, my father's mental health has stabilized enough where he actually knows a lot of what's going on and can enjoy the simple things in life like a cool breeze on the patio or the Animal Planet. That's all any of us could ask for.

But there was a period of weeks when I was perhaps in the same utter despair as was experienced by Scott and Greg. I saw absolutely no hope whatsoever. I saw only continued intense pain. I saw minutes of agony dragging away as if they were hours. I remain hurt over the loss of Nancy, but back then the pain was unbearable. Overall, I felt as if I had just been pitched over the bars and headed straight into the pavement, with five bikes roaring down upon me.

At that point, I thought of Papa Thiam. For those who know him in person, I don't need to say this, but he was one of the most physically active participants of life imaginable. Whether it was racing his bike, flying planes, or chasing the women who were swept up by his intelligence and charm, this was indeed a person at the very height of activity. And then in a blink of an eye, that physically dizzying lifestyle was taken away.

One night, in the middle of my utter despair, I got to the point where I typed in "suicide methods" to a search engine on the computer. I read a bit, but then clicked off. That minute or so that I stood on the threshold of an abyss was enough for me. As bad as I was hurting and as tempting a sudden end to that pain could have been, I realized that if for no other reason, I had to carry on for my father, who looks forward to me coming by every day. Walking away from the abyss is the true test of one's level of utter despair. Mine was obviously not as great as Scott's and Greg's which is why I am still here today.

So, I clicked off what I had found and went straight to the BBS. And who would have the latest posting on the BBS at that crucial point? None other than Papa Thiam. And naturally it was one of his typical wry, intelligent, and saucy comments about something I can't even remember. I just know that I saw in Papa, not utter despair, but utter strength. Ironically, Papa has been known to say that he is an agnostic. But indeed God hasn’t given up on him, because God used him that night for a very important purpose.

My point is that, if ANYONE on here ever has similar thoughts, PLEASE DO NOT WALK TO THE EDGE OF THE ABYSS. No one knows the level of their despair until their toes are hanging out in space on the razor sharp edge of that crevice...where once you're over...there's no climbing back up.

Instead, feel free to click onto my e-mail: [email protected]. I'll talk to you. I'll FORCE you to know that beyond all the pain you think you can’t bear, there IS INDEED light on the other side. There ARE indeed people here on earth who truly care about you.

It may be just a minuscule, faint break in the darkest of all storm clouds, but with faith, it is a break that will grow and grow with time, a brightness of spirit that will be fostered by actions from God that you cannot ever imagine taking place.

 

Godspeed Scott.

Good advice MBW.

Bruce, thanks for sharing your pains. Good for you.

David

 

Bruce, thank you so much for sharing. We all love you and appreciate what you just did.

 

Excellent message Bruce.

I went through a painfull divorce a few years ago and I know of the pain Greg and Scott may have been facing. I basically decided God must have something better in mind for me and so I just went with the flow. I finally got to live my dream of racing motorcycles and I also was able to meet a great girl who has proven to me why sometimes bad things have to happen to us. When we try to control our lives in the pursuit of what we think will make us happy we only seem to reach dead ends. Suicide only hurts those who love us and is not an option if we let God control our future and not our self will.

 

Ditto...and Amen.

 

Please nobody take this as preaching as I just wanted everyone to know how I looked at my situation during the pain of my divorce. The last line is what I repeated to myself evertime I started feeling really low.

 

i too have been to edge that bruce spoke of.believe it or not, my pets kept me here. "who would take care of them i thought". since then some cool stuff has happened that i would have missed.

 

Wasn't preaching... it was witnessing.

I thought it was a great message, and great advice.

 

Thanks Tex.

 

Bruce, excellent post for sure. There is yet another component of such situations that makes these things even more difficult to understand for those who haven't experienced them. I won't go into lots of detail here, as Bruce has so eloquently said so much already...

A few years ago I ended an 8-year relationship with a woman whom part of me will always love. She suffered from extreme clinical depression. On 3 seperate ocasions she attempted suicide, and spent a total of over 9 months hosptialized in a psychaitric ward. I spent years trying to help, trying to "be there" and I learned that the old cliche really is true...sometimes love just isn't enough.

Apart from all the stuff we've talked about on this thread, I learned 2 things from this. First, if you aren't in the position/condition of a person going through this, it is absoluely impossible to understand. I spent 8 years trying, and it can't be done.

Second, there is no pain on this Earth like seeing someone you love suffer so much and be in such obvious pain inside, when you can't understand it or do anything about it. It makes me very sad to read about these people who were in such pain that they took their own lives...and it makes me very sad to think of the people left behind, struggling with the guilt of not being there for them, or not seeing it coming.

It's easy for me to say "don't feel guilty, it's not your fault" but those are hollow words to a person feeling these feelings. All I can say is that eventually, you will come to realize that it isn't your fault, and the loved ones you lost knew you loved them. For sure they did.

 

It’s not always just a bad moment in time. After a whole year to reflect on it 12 hours a day, I would still go in a second if given a chance. Scott could put you in a good mood with his smile alone. Traxxion Max and I were both stunned to read about this. Whatever changed his outlook on life must have been so painful that I can only feel relieved he no longer has to suffer through it. I still feel horrible for his little girl.

It was a privilege to have known you, Scott.

 

this has truly been a most difficult couple weeks, i am truly heartbroke to hear about all this i didnt know any of the fellow racers that this happened to, god i so hurt for them and their families. I also went through a terrible divorce years ago the pain was almost unbearible if not for cj and my close friends I might have chosen a different path. Not long after that i almost lost my cj to a terrible go cart accident I wont get into details but it took 6 hours of sugury to save him, so all of this hits close to home, I will try to pay closer attention to my friends you never know who is hurting and why unless we sometimes ask.

 

Having lost my father to the same situation there are a couple things to consider here. The first being his pain is now over and hopefully he is in a better place. Second his family and friends' pain is just beginning, this is where all of us can step up and be supportive (sp?). Anyone know his family well enough where we can start a trust for his girl or help his wife financially if she needs it?

 

For the first time here, I don't know what to say.

I went through some hellified shite in the last eleven years. Some of the older WERA members would remember some of it. I am thankful for people like Evelyne Clarke (Ms. Mongo), Jep Palmour, YamahaRick, JoAnne Sawyer, and other members of the WERA fraternity who gave me the support I needed during those dark days. I am so lucky to be a part of this fraternity.

Things like this happen and I find myself thinking of how far I have come and how much worse it could have been. I guess racing has kept me hungry for life.

For whatever it's worth.

 

Amazing, that for a person like me, who has never met any of you, that I can be so affected by this thread. I think that we've all been close to the edge ... most of us were lucky enough to have friends to pull us back before it was too late. Taking your life is so much bigger than us asking "why"? We all know that sometimes you just can't explain what you're feeling and you think that nobody else will ever understand or feel as horrible as you feel at that moment. And then we have people like Papa, who touches each and every one of us, even when he sits across the ocean having his own doubts. And we remember that life is about experiences, good and bad, and it's what we make of them that shapes our life.

This is an amazing group of people who are always there when you need them. So, if anyone out there is on the edge, reach out and ask for help. You won't regret it.

 

I never met gsxracerbenny but I remember seeing his posts and, "don't brake until you see God. Then brake like hell."

Many have said look to your friends when you are low and look out for friends who may be low. It's true. I hope if somebody was in such bad shape, they would take a chance and let me know.

Godspeed gsxracerbenny

 

I think we have all been near that edge, and I personally thought of all the loved ones that would hurt so if I went over it. Who knows what might have finally been the last straw for these gentlemen. I never met Scott in person, but had several conversations with him through email. He will be sorely missed, as will Greg and Trent. Godspeed.

 

My wife's father took his own life about 7 years ago. It is one event in my life that has changed me forever.

Scott and Greg's families are left with so many questions and so much pain. There are no answers and the pain never goes away. Just know that the pain is there so you never forget how great these people were to know. When my wife is feeling especially sad we just sit and talk about all the great times we had with him and how great a dad he was. We cry and we feel better.

Godspeed to Greg and Scott.

 

Our thoughts, prayers & sincere condolences to Scott's friends & family. Godspeed Scott.
darkdawn9 & Novice #705