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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. tiggen

    tiggen Things are lookin' up.

    So a young guy is walking through the park and sees an old man, like mid-eighties, sitting on a bench, head in hands, sobbing. He feels bad for the guy, so he goes over and asks if everything is ok.

    The old man says, "No, I'm not. I married a woman half my age, and she's insatiable! As soon as I get up in the morning we have sex, every night after dinner she gives me some "dessert," and most days she comes home at lunch wanting a quickie before returning to work."

    The young guy, who thinks this sounds amazing, then says, "I don't get it. Sounds like you got a pretty sweet deal right there. Why are you crying?"

    The old man looks up at him, and through his tears says, "I can't remember where I live."
     
    Yzasserina likes this.
  2. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Siri kept calling me Shirley all day yesterday. I couldn't figure out what the eff was going on and it was starting to piss me off. Then I realized......



    I had left my phone in Airplane mode. o_O
     
    motoboy and sharkattack like this.
  3. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    But were you serious?
     
    auminer likes this.
  4. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Old joke from 1995 in the leadup to the O.J. trial when they were trying to assemble an "impartial" jury. As told by Paul Harvey in his morning news segment:

    Knock Knock

    Who's There?

    O.J.

    O.J. Who?

    You're ... on the jury.
     
  5. rd400racer

    rd400racer Well-Known Member

    A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone, and as he listens to the call, he starts grinning from ear to ear. Then, when he disconnects, he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

    The barman starts serving the drinks, and the people start to crowd around, keen to know what they are celebrating.

    "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

    Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later, the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says, "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

    The Queensland father takes a long, s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar, and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
     
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  6. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?


    The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do!
     
    britx303, brex and Yzasserina like this.
  7. HPPT

    HPPT !!!

    You need to get banned.
     
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  8. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Yabba dabba doit.
     
    Yzasserina, brex and tiggen like this.
  9. Dave K

    Dave K DaveK über alles!

    I don't get it. :oops:o_O
     
  10. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Read it out loud...
     
  11. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    I met a girl who runs a BatteriesPlus kiosk next to a park.

    Basically, she sell C cells by the seesaw.



    o_O
     
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  12. Dave K

    Dave K DaveK über alles!

    That's not even a dad joke. You need fixin'.
     
  13. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Yeah, you're just saying that because it wasn't apparent,
     
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  14. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Yesterday, scientists in the United States reported that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen.

    To prove their theory, they gave 100 men twelve beers each and 100% of the test subjects started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
     
    britx303, DJ Baker, Sabre699 and 2 others like this.
  15. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Cop: "Turn around"

    Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round"

    Cop: "TURN AROUND"

    Me: "Every now and then I get..."

    Cop: deploys Taser

    :crackup:
     
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  16. motoboy

    motoboy Well-Known Member

  17. motoboy

    motoboy Well-Known Member

  18. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

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  19. KrashBandit

    KrashBandit The other guy at Pit Bull

    I sometimes struggle with knowing when comedy is going to lighten the mood and when it's just the wrong time and place. Example:
    Former co-worker was walking by me outside our shop years ago.
    Him: How's it going?
    Me: Good. How about you?
    Him: Man, it's been tough. I just can't get it outta my head. Every time I'm "boinking" my wife I see his face man. The damn neighbors face who she cheated on me with...its tough!
    Me: I know what you mean man.
    Him: You do?
    Me: Yeah man. Every time I'm boinking your wife I see his face too.
     
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  20. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    I just realized that cottage cheese isn't really cheese at all.

    It just a curd to me.

    o_O
     

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