Man, I hate to read posts like these. Unfortunately I see it every day. Guys not respecting their wives, wives not respecting their husbands, etc.... And I will say my wife was/is a country girl. She grew up with chores and doing "guy" stuff. I enforced that and encouraged it. Half of yall have met her. She has driven me to the race, worked on my bikes, nursed me back to health, etc. I am not sure what the perfect recipe is but I will say that "spoiling them" is not a good thing. She gets a new car every 5 years because I buy it for her.... not because she wants it. I got lucky I guess... We also dated 8 years.... and I had terms to being married. She knew what she was signing up for. Do you think most are not sure what they want or try to be something different to make it work?? I am who I am... to everyone... How many women believe the man is the head of the household? How many men do not take that the wrong way?? Just thinking. It is a balance...
you hit all the points right there. you are who you are and you don't abuse the position as head of the household. boom...happiness.
I don't know your situation, and for all I know you could be doing everything right. But for the vast majority of men who complain about their wives, turns out it's a two-way street. Give your wife what she needs, and she'll give you what you need. It only works if you prioritize her needs above your own- it may take a long time, but eventually she'll begin to do the same for you. If she needs safety and security (maslow's hierarchy of needs), then reassure her every single day that she's the only one for you. If she needs physical touch, man up and bang her brains out. If she needs acts of service, make the bed and do the dishes every day. You'll get out what you put in. EARN her respect (that doesn't mean working 12 hours a day and coming home and plopping on the couch and drinking a beer- that's not being a husband)- treat her like a queen, put her and others above yourself, and hold yourself to a high standard in everything you do.
Sorry bro, seen 2 good friends do just that.... and the wife cheated on them.... It is a very complicated thing and I also believe some things are not gonna work out regardless.... We have tried to hang out with tons of couples.... It is so rare to find 2 folks that compliment each other... I had a very good friend do everything right and she still messed it up....
We're good - I took your statement to what was my logical conclusion, which is only an assumption on my part... I read it as "the expectation is that, if the guy is demonstrating the correct behaviors, she will respect him, but his respect is not necessary", which I acknowledge could be misunderstanding the statement. I think that you and I have many of the same views on this subject now. Experience is a bitch... Sorta like, "you have to fall off the bike to know how to ride it better".
The trick here is knowing what her needs are... There's the "stated needs" and the less obvious "implied needs". If you tell her every day that she's the only one for you, you're shooting yourself in the foot. I'm not saying withhold affection or be indifferent. I'm saying the boredom of a "sure thing" will take over. There's no challenge there. There's no reward in it. And definitely DO NOT make the bed and do dishes every day. That's the kiss of death. Acts of Service? Fine. Change the oil in her car, keep the pressure in her tires adequate, hang a ceiling fan, mow the yard. For the love of God, do something that reminds her you're a man.
My wife told me her three rules when we were dating in 1981: If you hit me one time, I'm gone If you cheat on me one time, I'm gone And I will never cheat on you, because if I have sex with another guy one time, then I obviously don't love you and I'm gone. She's still here
I make the bed and do the dishes 95% of the time. Cook about 95% of the time too. Iron all the clothes in the house 100% of the time....forgot that one. My wife loves me and I'm happy as heck. Some of y'all are too hard headed and short sighted.....maybe just lazy. I don't know.
I get what you're saying, but I think it depends on the temperament/maturity of one's wife. I would be inclined to say that if you're a true man, she knows it- if not, she knows that too. My wife thinks I'm the most masculine person in the universe. I work on farm tractors, build engines in the garage, get up at 4:30 AM to go deer hunting 3-4 days a week during deer season, etc. There's room to serve your wife in ways that she sees and appreciates, and still be a man. I take care of my wife's car, but she doesn't really give a shit, because she doesn't know anything about it or why it needs to be done (no matter how much I remind her). That's not the way to my wife's heart. However, we have a lot of housework, and my wife doesn't have the energy or work ethic that I do- so she'd be stressed out all the time and end up being a royal pain in the ass if I didn't chip in. That's a way I can serve her in a way that she notices, and then I get more time with her (in response to the link you posted- I have a ton of sex with my wife, but I have to make sure she's not constantly stressed out about housework to make that happen). What you're describing in regards to challenge/reward sounds like playing games to me- I did that crap in middle and high school. My wife wouldn't put up with that grade school stuff, and neither would I.
You have to take blame here too. Racing is expensive, you know how much you make and I presume how much she makes. Sounds like she was trying her part to help keep you happy, maybe just not the right way. I used to pay all the bills every month. I found it extremely depressing to see how much money we blow through as I bought a house in California and then started having kids. At some point, we decided it was better for her to handle that, and I just focused on making more money. That doesn't mean I completely shut down looking at stuff, but it does mean, I didn't look at every single charge on the credit card statement and wig out, why did we spend this much at Target, or Nordstrom, or racing, or dance, or on eating out.
Some of you older gents also have to appreciate the complete lack of marriageable and/or relationship caliber women in the current generation. Some of you fellas may be describing situations/women/relationships of a bygone era that no longer exists. I'm not necessarily saying that men are entirely free of blame with regards to this either. But as we now know, ever since about Aug 2014 there's been more single people in this country than married couples for the first time in recorded history....and the situation isn't improving. Shit's broken and its not getting better. Certainly not with social media, online dating/Tinder/etc, rampant hookup culture and draconian family court systems. ...just sayin'
I agree Kris, and maybe some men are too chauvinistic.....thinking I can't do that, that's women's work. BS...it's our work that needs to be done by us, whichever way we split it doesn't really matter. In the past few years, I started doing a lot of the laundry. For the first 15-20 years, I don't think I ever did it. I changed a bunch of diapers with my kids. I almost never make the bed. When we eat at home, she usually cooks, but I do all the cleanup. I'm happy and so is she, but we still fight. Lately, it has been because I'm working too much, but I'm trying to correct that.
We do whatever needs to be done around here. If she is traveling a bunch I'll do that house work along with the normal exterior duties. If she is home I don't have to worry about anything inside the house unless it breaks. If I am away she'll take care of anything that needs attention even if that means hiring someone to do it. When we do a home project we do it together. We cook together although she didn't have any interest in it for the first 15 years. We find it all pretty simple most days to just be happy. She is good at some things and I let her handle those. I am good at some things and she let's me handle those. She is pretty fantastic in just about every way. Me not so much.