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‘Twas the Night Before Road Atlanta

Discussion in 'General' started by Shyster d'Oil, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. Shyster d'Oil

    Shyster d'Oil Gerard Frommage

    With extreme apologies to the estate of Clement Clarke Moore


    ‘Twas the night before Road Atlanta, when all ‘round the track, not a creature was stirring, not even a yak; The warmers were hung by the generators with care, in hopes that St. Mongo soon would be there; The riders were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of plastic trophies danced in their heads; and Amber in her flannels, and Putter in his whities, that late spring eve was just too cold to wear nighties. But I settled down to sleep real easy, hoping the track wouldn’t be cold and greasy, when out on the paddock there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tent to see what was the matter.


    Away to the door I flew like a flash, tore open the zipper and threw up the sash. The moon on the cover of the collecting dew, gave luster to race bikes old and new, when, what to my wondering eyes should equip, but a miniature Gixxer, and eight tiny riders, each no bigger than Chip. With a surly old driver with a giant ego, I knew that moment it must be St. Mongo. More rapid than turtles his riders they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Darrin! Now DaveK! Now Yoda and Chad! On, Paigebert! On Barfield! On, Stickboy and MadBrad! To the top of the tower! To the top of the wall! Now race away! Race away! Race away all!"


    As dry leaves that before the wild Hurricane fly, when they meet with a chicane, race to the sky, so up to the Control Tower the riders they flew, with the Gixxer full of carbon fiber, and St. Mongo, too. And then, in a twinkling, I laughed with a hoot, at the prancing and pawing of each little boot. As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, down the ground St. Mongo fell with a bound. He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with asphalt and poop; a bundle of parts he had flung on his back, and he looked like a drug dealer just opening his pack.


    And something was different this year I did fear, gone were the cases and cases of beer, replaced instead with the stench of the Dew, it was scary and frightening and would result in a screw. His eyes -- how they were teary! His dimples oh so weary! His cheeks were like roses from drinking too much, his nose like a cherry from the funny white dust! His droll little mouth was drawn round like a ho, and the beard of his chin was as black as the crow; the stump of a straw he held tight in his lips, and the liquid crack had burned his brain like c-lamps on nips; he had a broad face and a huge round belly, that shook when he coughed like a bowlful of jelly.


    Something was wrong, I knew it all right, bad things were going to happen that night. My fears were confirmed when he looked straight at me, I lost control and started to pee. His frustration had grown with BBSers for sure, they were obnoxious, and vile like an anthrax culture. All their whining and moaning and yelling and screaming, pushed St. Mongo to the edge -- his brain was quite steaming. “I’m banning Lever and Dan and ‘Baller too! By the time I’m done it’ll be just me and you!!!

    “Oh Mongo please don’t do that to us, we’re the most boring old fogies on this short bus. Without Robert and Frank and that Stalin DaveK, this dirty old website will surely decay! Even the Sandbaggers need an outlet for frustration, and Mongo trust me, you need a vacation! From all this controversy you must refrain, or you’ll destroy all the synapses in your brain. Leave us those trophies stuffed in your pack, and take a vacation to grow a new sack. Your testicular atrophy is not my concern, but I bet when you pee it really does burn, all the hassle and papers and phone calls galore, must drive a man crazy if not much more.”


    All of a sudden he changed from angry to sad, “I need a week in the woods with my boy Brad. Its not what you thinking, right out of Deliverance, but I really want to spend most of Brad’s severance. He was banned for months for insulting the Mrs., I only let him back because of his kisses. Just kidding of course, its his money I wanted, some of our races were virtually haunted. The cause of the trouble we thought, I confess, was that pack of assholes at old CCS.”

    “But St. Mongo your empire is totally long-lasting, the competition at FUSA just took an ass blasting! The CCS website is sad by contrast, to the WERA BBS that’s totally a gas.” It was only then that I new I’d been had; he was then his old self, real jolly not sad. I laughed when he told me, straight to my face “You know Lawyer Doyle you’re a total nut case. You have nothing to do but hang at this place? You’re old and you’re fat and you don’t even race!” With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; he spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and took all the entry fees muttering “Paigebert’s a jerk.” And putting a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the Tower he rose; he sprang to his Gixxer, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the Mladin on a missle.

    But I heard him exclaim, in his red leather britches, "HAPPY RACE DAY TO ALL, AND YOU ARE ALL MY WEB BITCHES!
     
  2. JamesG

    JamesG Architeuthis dux

    Thats.... Thats... um.... Thats....
     
  3. mango

    mango Ewah Felicitys underpants

  4. kTMS4ME

    kTMS4ME Well-Known Member

    somebody couldn't sleep last night!!!

    :D
     
  5. ducnut748

    ducnut748 King of Speed

    Doyle

    Your talents are misplaced, if I were you I would give up the law practice an become the next Mark Twain......most excellent...indeed



    :beer:
     
  6. Paige

    Paige BBS FF Champ

    LMAO, that was good!!
     
  7. (diet)DrThunder

    (diet)DrThunder Why so serious, son?

    Perfect!

    Bravo! Bravo!


    :clap: :clap: :beer: :clap: :clap:
     
  8. Shyster d'Oil

    Shyster d'Oil Gerard Frommage

    Thank you, thank you! Very little alcohol was involved, believe it or not. Just a little compulsion, a lot of insomnia (kTMS4ME haad it right) and an enjoyment of the risk of being banned. But I'm still posting. . . so. . . I guess Mongo is sleeping something off.:D
     
  9. Shenanigans

    Shenanigans in Mr.Rogers neighborhood

    That's really good:up: .I'll talk to ya when Mongo un-bans you:D
     
  10. Rain Director

    Rain Director Old guy

    Re: Doyle

    Looks more like the work of a new hire during research on Rodger's next case.

























    Verrrrrrrrrrrrry Good, Rodger :clap: :beer:
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2005
  11. Mongo

    Mongo Administrator

    So far I'm just resisting the urge to read it :D Anything I glance at that has the words "St. Mongo" in it cannot be good...
     
  12. yamaha nick

    yamaha nick THE DUDE DOES NOT ABIDE

    thats funny i dont care who you are thats funny right there:up:
     
  13. Shyster d'Oil

    Shyster d'Oil Gerard Frommage

    You better read it!! Its all about you! Well, with a little essence of BBS and Doyle thrown in.

    Just don't ban me 'til you get to the end, otherwise there is no chance you'll get the joke!!!:eek:
     
  14. MELK-MAN

    MELK-MAN The Dude abides...

    have never met any of you personally, just the egos and such on the BBS, but that was one of the funniest reads I have seen in a long time. It was in good taste and very funny. Very nice..
     
  15. Teacher

    Teacher LWT #624

    That was excellent! I'm really starting to like this place! :up:
     
  16. Robert

    Robert Flies all green 'n buzzin

    It's brilliant. AND it has a happy ending.

    You must read it!!! :D :D :D
     
  17. Putter

    Putter Ain't too proud to beg


    "Fresh, compelling, high powered prose that keeps you on the edge of your seat."


    -Time Magazine






    :beer:
     
  18. drebv4

    drebv4 Well-Known Member

    It sucks, like Opie. :D

    Dreb :up:
     
  19. panthercity

    panthercity Thread Killa

    [​IMG]

    Butt, well done. Very well done...
     
  20. Shyster d'Oil

    Shyster d'Oil Gerard Frommage

    BUMP!!


    Merry Christmas every one!!!!!!!!
     

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