I got c*ck blocked by an old lady yesterday

Yesterday I found myself sitting at a red light in the inside lane of a busy local four lane road that is lined with retail shops and restaurants. The place I was headed to was about 1/8 of a mile up the road on the right. I figured if I could blast out of the light, I could snag the right lane with plenty of room to spare. This road is always busy, and you have to kind of think ahead so's you don't eff up the flow for other folks.
So, I glance over at the car sitting next to me to evaluate who I'd be racing for the lane. The car was a mid nineties, champagne colored, Buick Park Avenue. It was piloted by....you guessed it.....an OLLLLLLD damned woman. Let me describe her to you....

This woman was at LEAST.....four hundred years old. She looked mummified. She had on one of those floral print dresses with the doily collar, a beehive hairdo that was JET EFFIN BLACK, and was sporting some of those nuclear protective sunshield type sunglasses that you can actually stare at the sun with. On the passenger seat beside her was a bible, a box of tissues, a tube of Preparation H, and some false teeth.

I looked back at the light, grinned, and said outloud "Oh yeah. I got this shit".

So, the light turns green and I blast the ol Frontier out to a pace of about 55 mph, settle in to about 50 (the speed limit is 45), throw on the right hand blinker to switch lanes, and start to merge over. I figured the old woman is still back at the light easing up to 20 mph by this point. As I'm starting to shift over, I glanced over just to make sure no one snuck around the woman and dove in the lane. You know what I saw? The old woman was all in my blind spot doing about 55 also. I'm like "WTF?"
I looked down the road to see where the store was I was going to and realized I had a bit more time to snag the lane and make my turn. So I bumped up the pace a bit. Much to my chagrin, so did she. This made me start yelling outloud "HEEEYYY! WTFFFFF?????"

I bumped up the pace again. So did she.

Again. Again.

Then I realized....as we were clipping along at NINETY....my turn was coming up quick. I gave it one last blast up into the triple digits, and the bitch came with me. I'm yelling "LET ME FUCKING OVER WOMAN! I'M GONNA MISS MY TURN!!!!". She was oblivious.
So, instead of going faster (we were already side by side doing 130), I decided to jam on the brakes and dive in behind her. You know what the eff she did? Bitch jammed too! I was like "MOTHER EFF!!!!"

I sped back up. So did she.

I jammed brakes. So did she.

This went on and on. There we were, side by side, alternating between 100 mph, and 10 mph. Both vehicles were rocking forward and back as we sped up, then slowed down. Plus, I still had my right hand signal on.
At the last second as my turn-in was right there, I tried to lean on her. You know what she did? She leaned on ME! I'm yelling "WHAT THE EFF BITCH?!!!!" as she pushed me over into the median and I had to hook a FAST AS HELL left hander....UP ON TWO GODDAMED WHEELS...into some tire store parking lot. I remember yelling "ASSHOOOOOOLLLLLLEEEEEE" the way Kevin Kline did in that movie 'A Fish Called Wanda'.

I ended up doing an awesome ass power slide into a spot in the tire store parking lot. I sat ther gripping the wheel with sweat dripping off my brow muttering profanities at the old Gee Dee woman. I remember saying outloud "That old bitch c*ck blocked me".

After a few minutes I calmed down, turned off my right hand blinker, and drove home and drank beer. I just didn't feel like shopping.


The end.

 

So what did your mom want? You forget your lunch sack or something.

 

..you forgot-
"and everyone lived happily ever after"

 

A Frontier that'll do 130?

And triple digits in an 1/8 mile from a dead stop? In a Frontier? Must be one of those pro-street gassers


I call bullchit!

 

This story has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese.

 

You dreaming about old ladies again Richie?

 

^+1 Although the V6 is pretty fast.

 

TL;DR

 

Story's touchin', but it sounds like a lie...

 

Don't worry Mattelhead, I'll still have that Jack & Coke ready for you at the end of your first race day. Just don't bench-race with me... I can't keep up with ya

 

Bet you learned your lesson about keeping the inside line for the turn, huh?

 

I bet it is the mother to the woman you eff'd with at the four way stop sign. Payback is a bitch, you know!

David

 

Know why that happened? Her grand-daughter told her about a certain four-way stop-sign episode that unfolded recently. GrandMa was just evening up the score. It's all about family honor, you know.

 

So the little old lady from Pasadena moved to Redneckistan, huh?

 

Must have been one of the Park Ave Ultra's, with the supercharged 3.8 to pull that kind of numbers. Those thing can surprise you. ;-)

 

funny stuff, so the ol' gal was using you as a brake marker.. LOL. However, for this scenario, just not so sure the term "cock blocked" was used in proper context.

 

I liked your story,and caaaan't wait for your race reports
"The track was angry that morning...The wind blew at 400mph and a torential
down pour of snow ice,and rain..I was gridded last place,but it didnt matter.
The flag dropped..I wheelied past the field for the first lap,dragging my body
eventually onto the seat,and then SPEED shifting into second,while leaning back into another cool full lap wheelie.
Then he appeared..the great white whale,holy grail.We raced each other for 4 hrs.
This whale was soo damn fast!!:wow:


Okay you finish and tell us how you won

 

Have you ever raced MEYER? He's fast!!

 

Should have let yer beard drive.