For your amusement...

[panthercity]

29 LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS


Take note...



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead

[Booger Van der Jackass]

This is the best I've ever read.

"Panthercity, you complete me..."

[Robert]

Post of the Month!!

[Umbrella girl #1]

Some of you people need to get a real life......

[Jackie Chiles]

Originally posted by Umbrella girl #1
Some of you people need to get a real life......

Ummmm, you're here too.

PC, that was freakin high-larry-ious is a twisted and perverted kind of way. Sort of like you!!!

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

[LMcCurdy]

Walker Texas Ranger is "The Be All to End All". See for yourself.

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

[Shenanigans]

How old is Chuck,'bout 70 or so???

[RedBull72]

Originally posted by G.Elkins
How old is Chuck,'bout 70 or so???

don't know but I still lead you in points.

[Shenanigans]

Originally posted by redbull72
don't know but I still lead you in points.

damn ur running away from me on the points.maybe i'll start posting senseless shit, just to pad my count.

[RedBull72]

Originally posted by G.Elkins
damn ur running away from me on the points.maybe i'll start posting senseless shit, just to pad my count.

too easy of a set up, when you getting back on the track?

[Shenanigans]

spring,,going to cmp with a friend on the 27th for pro-mo day he's riding i'm pb

[ScottyRock155]

[Resident Plarp]

That's my cue ....

































Fuckin Chu ...



























no no, this is wrong...



























































FUCKIN' CHUCK NORRIS!!!

[Johnny B]

Originally posted by Robert
Post of the Month!!

Screw that!!! Post of the Year! And straight to the "Best of BBS", a first for a single post, I believe.

[Knarf Legna]

Just in case the first 29 get stale.

[Gumby647]

1 While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can’t do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
2 When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
3 Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.
4 It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
5 Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
6 Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.
7 Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
8 Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.
9 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
10 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.
11 God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
12 New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
13 Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
14 Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
15 One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.
16 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
17 Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
18 Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
19 When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
20 Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
21 A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
22 Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
23 Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
24 Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.
25Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
26 Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.
27Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
28 Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
29 Chuck Norris can’t eat while standing upright.
30 Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
31 In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
32 Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
33 One drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
34 Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
35 The letters in Chuck Norris’ name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
36 Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
37 Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
38 Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
39 Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
40 There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
41 Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
42 Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every full moon.
43 Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
44 Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.
45 The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.
46 Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
47 If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.
48 Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
49 Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
50 Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
51 If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
52 Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
53 When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don’t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
54 We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
55 Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
56 Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’ house is a Total Gym.
57 Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.
58 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
59 Chuck Norris put the ‘k’ in ‘hardkore.’
60 Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
61 In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
62 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.
63 Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
64 Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The name’s Norris; Chuck Norris."

[ProPerformance]

[RedBull72]

Yo Robert!

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

[Robert]

Originally posted by Gumby647
61 In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

This has gone too far. That isn't funny.