Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?













'cause if they fell forwards they would land in the boat.

 

C'mon Ted...tell us which cereal box you got that joke out of?

 

you know how hard it is to stay PC with these jokes?

It ain't easy!

 

What do the Starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?



























They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

 

What does a redneck say after sex?



Get off me, paw, you're crushin my cigarette.

 

What do you call the sweat between two lovers from West Virginia?

Relative Humidity

 

A man walks up to the whorehouse only to find the door locked.

The sign in the window read:

"We're closed, beat it"

 

Do Animals Stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him."

 

A red head answers the door, and it's a dozen roses for her blonde room mate. When she takes the flowers into the kitchen and tells the blonde that they are for her, the blonde says "You know what this means, now I have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air".

The red head says "Why, don't you have a vase?"

 

Are You From Tennessee?

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

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How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

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How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee? Documentaries.

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Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

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A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

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Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

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The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! Up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

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A new law was recently passed in Tennessee. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

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A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the guy, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida
or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you > expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Excuse me! You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

 

LOL Some good one's here.
















Nature Lovers

While walking in Central Park, a man came across another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he asked, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've got to be kiddin' me!"
"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake"

 

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories

 

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

 

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After
all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and
crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"NO WAY!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

 

how many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?




























anyone want to go for a bike ride??

 

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella???











For Drizzle.

 

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

 

A guy takes his 250 pound Rotweiler to the vet for a sore paw. The vet picks the dog up and looks him over real good and says, "I'm sorry, I am going to have to put him down." The owner cries out, "are you kidding, just for a sore paw" The vet says "no dammit, he is heavy!"