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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Really old one from my youth:

    What starts with P and ends with S and men have them and women envy them?



    Pockets
     
  2. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A man goes to the doctor for a prostate examination

    The doctor says "please drop your trousers and bend over."

    The man does this and the doctor says "for this examination I'll be inserting two fingers into your bottom so please don't get an erection, Peter."

    The man turns around and says "my name isn't Peter."

    The doctor replies "I know, but mine is."
     
    FZRCraig and cha0s#242 like this.
  3. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Friend: Why are you so sad?

    Me: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

    Friend: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

    Me: I mean, she opened the door in the movie
     
    rd400racer likes this.
  4. Motofun352

    Motofun352 Well-Known Member

    Soupy Sales......"what starts with F and ends with K?


    "firetruck" Then the TV went blank and he was off the air for the next week....:eek:

    He also did a skit with his dog White Fang. He wrote a big F on the chalk board and White Fang said,,,,"K"
    He erased the F...rewrote it again "F" and White Fang said..."errrrr "K"!!

    Soupy then said "How's come every time I write F you see K?!" The the TV went blank and he was off the air for another week.
     
  5. Past Glory

    Past Glory I still have several AVON calendars from the 90's

    In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50, in the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
     
  6. tiggen

    tiggen Things are lookin' up.

    I was gonna tell a vampire joke, but I found a skeleton joke that was more humerus.
     
  7. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A man at my wife's workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it's her fault.





    She's the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.
     
  8. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A weasel walked into a bar.

    The bartender was very excited. He exclaimed, "I've never served a weasel before! What'll it be?"









    "Pop", goes the weasel.
     
    sdg likes this.
  9. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?



    So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian.
     
    sharkattack likes this.
  10. G 97

    G 97 Garth

    What’s repainted red and races for no cost in MOTOGP?
    :crackup:
     
  11. rd400racer

    rd400racer Well-Known Member

    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
     
    sdg and auminer like this.
  12. Dan Dubeau

    Dan Dubeau Well-Known Member

    An elderly man rear ends a very expensive Ferrari.
    The owner of the Ferrari is livid. He jumps out of the car and angrily gets in the face of the old man and yells, “You idiot! This is like $20,000 worth of damage. You probably don’t even have insurance! You shouldn’t even be driving! I need $20 grand for this! You don’t pay I’m gonna beat the hell outta you right here, right now!”
    The old man is rightfully terrified and says, “Uh, sir, I don’t have that kind of money but please let me call my son. He might be able to help. He trains dolphins for a living”.
    The old man calls his son and as he starts to explain the Ferrari owner yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Listen dolphin boy, your stupid old man hit my car and you better come up with my $20 grand or I’m gonna beat the hell outta him AND you, got it?!”
    The son quietly answers, “OK, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there”. The Ferrari owner sneers and throws the phone back at the old man.
    In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Humvee, ten men jump out and proceed to beat the hell out of the Ferrari owner.
    Meanwhile the son walks over to his father, puts his arm around the old man and says,
    “Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins”.
     
  13. fastfreddie

    fastfreddie Midnight Oil Garage

    A General and an Admiral were walking the grounds of a joint force military base. The General says, "Of all the service members, Army soldiers have the biggest balls".
    The Admiral says, "Prove it."
    As a soldier walks by, the General orders him to climb a nearby flagpole and jump. The soldier says "Yes, General", climbs the pole, flings himself off and ends up in the ICU.
    The Admiral says, "Not bad, but let's see how a sailor handles that order."
    As a sailor walks by, the Admiral orders him to climb the same flagpole and jump.
    The sailor says, "Fuck you, Admiral!"
    The Admiral turns to the General and says, "Now THAT takes balls."
    .............

    Three rifle companies of a Ranger battalion were on maneuvers when they spot a Navy Seal on a hilltop screaming obscenities at them. Top says, "First Company, get up there and kick that guy's ass."
    The company scrambles up and over the top of the hill and then...nothin'. After five minutes, Top orders the second company to find out what's going on. Same thing, the company disappears over the hill and, five minutes later, nothin'.
    Top orders the last company over the hill...
    Five minutes later, a single Ranger stumbles, trips and falls his way back, all beat to shit. Top demands to know, WTF is going on up there.
    "It was an ambush, Sir. There were two of 'em!"
     
    Yzasserina and auminer like this.
  14. Dave K

    Dave K DaveK über alles!

    Okay, I submitted this one to the writers for a late night show (amongst some others) and they were a bit offended. No politics implied although the parameters were Putin.

    okay, Putin invades the Ukraine but things don’t go as expected. China invades Taiwan and gets torn apart and is losing. The west is dumping arms into the Ukraine and Taiwan. China and Russia are losing face and riots and insurrection have started in both to the point of civil war. So, combined they decide that “limited “ nuclear strikes are the way to win but the Ukraine have not turned over all the nukes they had in the 90s and Taiwan has purchased the South African nukes from apartheid and also some from Pakistan so strikes go both ways. In a panic China and Russia escalate dragging in India and the rest of the world. In a flash, 7 billion people are dead and afterwards . . . Why do I only have 15 likes on my TikTok video?!?!

    Sliming it down for the next write up and submission but what’s not funny about that?
     
  15. tzrider

    tzrider CZrider

    Well... let's not be too judgmental , it was quite a bit past his bedtime when he wrote that....
     
  16. Sabre699

    Sabre699 Wait...hold my beer.

    He needs slack like fat chicks need doughnuts.
     
  17. cha0s#242

    cha0s#242 Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand

    Too soon ?
    [​IMG]
     
    tiggen likes this.
  18. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Careful talking about those. You'll get banned.
     
    Sabre699 likes this.
  19. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    Dad: What is the opposite of Ladyfingers?

    Family:....... *shrugs*......

    Dad: Mentos



    [​IMG]
     
    chobes and Yzasserina like this.
  20. Mongo

    Mongo Administrator

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