"Official" Craigslist failure thread

Can I just start this ? I think we need one thread for the failures.
Here's the link and a copy of the post.

http://semo.craigslist.org/cto/1672654758.html

2002 Focus – good reliable first car - $2000 (Cape Girardeau)
Date: 2010-04-01, 10:33PM CDT
Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

Looking for a first car for a teen? This car is absolutely brilliant. It’s got low mileage (68k), has been super reliable, and is excellent on gas. Since you’re likely paying for the gas, this will make things much cheaper on you. I average like 37MPG to a tank. And with such low mileage, it’ll work great for a long long time.

But you wanna know the best reason to buy this car for your kid?

It’s slow as shit. You don’t have to worry about speeding tickets or accidents in this baby. Your kid could have a 1 mile run and hit a brick wall not wearing a seatbelt and not be going fast enough to do shit. And there won’t be any sense in him getting some shitty ass fart can off of eBay – this car has the super slow SPI engine, no sense in trying to make it any faster. It’s a 4-door, so your kid won’t try to put gay ass Lambo doors on it. It is still possible to fit this with a body kit, but if you’d like, for an extra $200, I can stab him in the face if he does this.

It’s a 5-speed, so your kid can’t talk on his cell phone while playing Gameboy and smoking pot – he’ll have to actually pay attention. It also means you won’t have to pay for an automatic transmission when your kid beats the hell out of it. It’s got a new clutch and new tires, so you’ll know if he does burnouts. After all, I’m sure YOU’RE the one paying for tires, right? It’s got an aftermarket head unit in it, so your kid won’t fuck it up when him and his buddies try to wire in a “phat ass system”. It’s already had the speakers replaced too, so he won’t have to tear the door cards on and then look like a retard when he can’t get them back on. It’s got manual windows too, so he can’t fuck up the window motors when he rolls one of his friends heads up in it as a joke. A new battery means when he leaves his headlights on, it won’t leave you totally stranded.

But really though, one of the best parts is that, because it is a 4 door, it will be somewhat embarrassing for him to be seen in. I’m sure you get pissed at him from time to time. Hell, you’re probably mad at him for harassing you into buying him a first car. So get this one. It has no A/C, so you’ll know he’s suffering every time you get mad at him. Pretty satisfying. It’ll bring a smile to your face too, to know he’s rolling around looking like a faggot in a Ford Focus.

So buy this car for your kid. You won’t regret it


Contact: 573-334-4363

 

Not sure why, but this was taken down (saved it before they did):

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/mcy/1645662880.html

OK, let me start off by saying this Kawasaki ZX6-R is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it were possible for a bike to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Kawi would look like Tom Selleck. Yeah, it is just that sexy.

It was never intended to drive you to the Galleria mall to pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your vespa is for. If that's the kind of “bike” you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This s3x-machine was engineered by 3rd-degree, ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous, nancy-boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a realman doesn't let anything warm his but), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled, super action junkies need. It has a 636cc engine to outrun the cops. It has specialblood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Kawi also has 6 gears so if you're being chased by Talibn-t3rrorists, you can outrun them with a gun strapped to your back and shoot them at high-speed intervals. Let's just say that it's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the hottie you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. I also just put in a brand new stator to replace the malfunctioning one from The Man(ufacturers) that decided to wimp out.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4,800 but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me
you'll give me $2,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sph1ncter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt?
Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 17,000 miles on this two-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kicka55. It is in pristine condition, not a scratch on this monster. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or sky diving or just chilling with my homes, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a
price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to some classic rock that will rock your socks right off.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah,
you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

shoot me a text if you fit the description of someone who can handle s3x on wheels,

 

lol.. thats awesome.

 

I wouldn't call those failures.

 

Woot! ftw.

 

freakin brilliant.

 

HAHAHAH!!! Those two posts literally have me rolling!!! Craigslist sucks, but it's posts like these that make me love it!

 

Those ads are full of win! Nice

 

next time i got something to sell im gonna contact that second guy and have him write the ad HAHAHA

 

That ad was originally done for an Xterra a long time ago. This guy just completely copied the ad.

 

I would leave out the "hammer my glutes" part.

 

The one about the Focus was written by DaveK, fo'sho'.

The stabbing in the face bit gave it away.

 

Last night I posted an Advert in craigslist for a washer dryer combo. good condition for 200$. Selling for a friend who needs to room in his garage. I posted Pls call or text between 8am-10pm.

First you shouldn't need to tell people the times to call. Normal people know when to call normal people.

The time didn't matter. There was a text when I woke up at 1:06am. "Will you sell them for 200$?"

My knee jerk reaction is to say yes. Then direct him to meet me somewhere obnoxious like "My house is the gated one. about 14 miles out dirtmoron road. When you get there honk a couple times and I will open the gate for you." Maybe the person who really owns the house will get annoyed and send him on the way. I figure maybe I should spend some time to waste his .. since he's a complete buffoon.

 

Send a text back stating, "NO I won't let them go for less than $200"

 

damn it. i drive a Focus.

 

Read away:

http://dontevenreply.com/

 

"Pretty satisfying. It’ll bring a smile to your face too, to know he’s rolling around looking like a faggot in a Ford Focus."


if laughing at this is wrong, i don't want to be right.

 

Awesome!

 

:up: I love the interwebz