Best Of: Foot in mouth

I walked into a gas station on monday. I picked up a soda pop and walked down the candy isle, most of the boxes were empty. I walked up to the counter, most of the cigarette shelves were depleted too.

The guy somberly walked up and I said, "So the delivery driver got lost, cant find your store?"

Super quiet voice he said, "sigh, my business partner died recently" and looked like he was about to cry.

All I could come up with was, "yikes..."

Whats yours!

 

"Will you be my wife?"

 

I asked the new girl in high school what the mailman looked like because she looked nothing like her parents. Come to find out she had been told about 2 weeks prior that she was adopted and she was having issues with it.

 

I never think before I speak (or type), and whatever I think just comes out. So I tend to have these moments pretty often, usually daily. But one of the better ones happened when we were on downtime several years ago, which means the company was losing millions per day. Everyone was under a lot of pressure, and shit was hectic.

There were WAY too many people in the Subsea shop. My guys were in there, plus several Chevron people, some Inspectors, and a few other 3rd party guys I didn't even know. One of my guys was operating the BOP panel and almost hit the EDS button (Emergency Disconnect Sequence), which not only cuts the drill pipe in half, it retracts all of the hydraulic stabs between the LMRP and BOP interphase, and disconnects the LMRP from the BOP. It is the absolute worst mistake anyone can make in the oilfield...and one of my guys was this __ close to doing it because it was all just too much for him and he was way stressed.

I saw it and stopped him just in time, then lost my shit.

It went like this...

Me (yelling) - "Ok, that's it...if your job title doesn't have 'Subsea' in it, get the fuck out. Right now. Every one of you motherfuckers...GET OUT!".

Everyone left except for some dude standing back in the corner. I knew he wasn't a Subsea hand because he was standing there in a blazer and shit, with a deer-in-the-headlights look.

Me - "Did you not hear what I just said? Which part of 'get the fuck out' confused you? Who the fuck are you anyway?"
Him - "I am..." (snip)
Me (interrupting him) - "it doesn't make a fuck who you are, I run this shit. If your job title doesn't have Subsea in it, then carry your ass out of here".
Him - "I just wanted to..." (snip)
Me (interrupting him again) - "Look asshole, all I want from you is a lot of shutting the fuck up, mixed with some getting the fuck out".

He left.

Then in the cafeteria an hour or so later I asked someone "who is that fucking guy?".
They say "That's the VP of International Operations".
Me -

All of the VPs from the head office are required to visit each asset once a year. He came out to make his annual rig visit, and gets yelled at by some asshole.

The even funnier part is that not long after that, I was promoted...and he was the main one that pushed for it. He appreciated how I stood up for all of my guys and didn't put up with any shit. Gotta love the oilfield.

 

Not so much foot in mouth as it was a really awkward moment. Short backstory. My dad was business partners for many years with the guy that used to own the Houston Astros. So we used to get tickets to games pretty much any time we wanted. Sometimes if he wasn’t going to the game we would be able to get his field box seat right behind home (also right next to George H Bush’s seats. He is a really nice guy). So anyway we go down to the Astrodome and at will call they give us the box seat. Dad and I figured Drayton must not be going to the game. So we got to the VIP lounge to have dinner and there is a freezer at the back of the room with ice creams and other frozen treats. I noticed there was a box of snickers bars way in the back. Drayton loved frozen snickers. So I grabbed a couple of his personal stash and motored on to our seat. About 10 min after the game started I’m sitting there eating a frozen snickers and guess who comes walking up. I looked at him, he looked at me and saw the snickers. He kinda looked like a dog trying to understand something and my dad burst out laughing. Drayton was a good guy, but I thought I was screwed.

 

Congrats! How long you been pregnant?!?

No? Oh........

 

The Madeira Inn, 3 years ago...

Sitting at the bar, eating, 2 maids...

They were bantering, in a familial manner, as us patrons watched on.
One looked decidedly older than the other. Chit chat was struck up between them, myself and my coworker.

Me: "Is she your daughter?"
Mom: "No motherfucker, she's not. We're the same age!"
Silence throughout the bar.

The soup was good!

 

I've asked fat girls when their baby was due over a dozen times. It never ends well.

 

“I’ll see you next time.”

Me, to my wife’s cousin ...

leaving his mother’s funeral.

 

I had a moment, probably a year ago, where a customer asked about my kid (she had seen me answer a phone call and my phone background is my 4 year-old son). She asked some questions, like what kind crazy things does he say, what is he into at the moment, etc. I thought it was nice she was so curious about my son. After about 5 minutes of me bragging about him I asked her if she had any kids. Her face changed to a level of shame and embarrassment I wasn't prepared for. She proceeds to tell me she can't have kids. Her and her husband had spent the last couple years trying; going to various doctors, going through different procedures, only to find out recently that she just wasn't born with the ability to have kids. Adopting kids is so expensive, that her and her husband decided that having kids wasn't in their cards.

I felt terrible. The happiness she seemed to have hearing about my kid, and then seeing her reaction when I asked if she had any, was heart-breaking.

 

My Dad and I walked past some lady as she was getting out of a brand new, bright red Firebird.

Dad: "Nice car!"
Lady: "thanks!"
Dad: "My wife won't let me have a car that color. She calls it divorce red."
Lady: "well, I just got a divorce 3 weeks ago..."

 

Sadly, it was probably accurate. I have a lot of relatives I never see except when someone exits.

 

High school, just started a McJob at the gas station.

Three of us were bantering during a lull, and I decided it was time for a tasteless joke. I said that I took this job over another offer I had at the hospital.

Doing what? A female coworker asked.

Putting wheels on miscarriages.

Her face literally fell... she ran to the bathroom sobbing. The other guy told me it was her first day back at work. From...... a miscarriage.

I found out then what it feels like to feel lower than snake shit.

 

So how much is a set of Durani wheels anyway?

 

I was getting a haircut a few months back and there was an early 20s guy in there chatting it up with everyone about how his life is just kickin ass and how cool he was. Off to the side a bit was an early 30s decent looking mom that had 3 boys in there getting their haircuts. As she is paying out, captain hotshit jumps into the empty barber chair, looks at her, and smoothly says "so single mother of 3, i bet you are busy." As it turns out she was happily married (see the jumbo rings on her hand) and was not very amused at his attempt to fire up a conversation with her.

 

Actually, saw him at a wedding last weekend, so - not bad. His dad’s health, however, isn’t so great.

 

Public accounting, chatting it up with new client who had just moved their HQ to NYC. Nice wedding photos on her desk. I remark how happy her father looked to be walking her down the aisle.

Was not her father.

 

Yup, been there done that....quite awkward after they say NO!

 

I once called out a guy’s kids as fat.

He politely thanked me for my opinion, but explained a few factors and stated he had no worries for their health.

I doubled down and went back in, but closed with saying I was just trying to help.