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Advice from the beeb on homing a parent

Discussion in 'General' started by Fencer, Aug 8, 2016.

  1. Fencer

    Fencer Well-Known Member

    It is getting close to that time as my father is getting to be too much for my mother to handle and I am limited help on what I can provide unless I move in with them or they with me.

    I am going to help my mother start researching our options.

    We already have in home visitation (sitter) a few days a week and I can handle my father if he can't get up, etc

    But mother is saying issues are becoming more frequent at night and she is needing more than she can do

    So...

    I know several of you have been here...

    What questions should we ask
    Pitfalls to avoid

    Particular things we should inspect at a facility that would be glossed past in a tour?

    Etc

    Thanks
     
  2. JamesC459

    JamesC459 Well-Known Member

    I have no advice to give, But I wish you the best in your search. I only wish I still had my dad around to have this problem. Good Luck
     
  3. BSA43

    BSA43 Well-Known Member

    Ditto here.

    My dad went the way he wanted to. He really feared becoming an invalid in a nursing home.
     
  4. RRP

    RRP Kinda Superbikey

    We ran into this to some degree with my dad the last year, make sure you (or other stakeholders) make it clear you will be around regularly and also make clear what your expectations are to staff. It's a fine line between involved and micromanaging, but it's the nature of the beast I think.

    Also, make a point of getting to know your dad's caregivers etc. That seemed to help.

    Good luck, it's a tough road.
     
    Shenanigans likes this.
  5. Metalhead

    Metalhead Dong pilot

    Fencer I don't have an answer but, I'm gonna be dealing with it with my mom soon. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  6. ChuckS

    ChuckS Well-Known Member

    Dad spent the last few years of his life in an assisted living facility.
    Good - it was within walking distance of their house, so Mom was there every day.
    Bad - it was within walking distance, etc.
    And the cost. Thank goodness dad socked it away, because living there burned it up.
    Talk to the social worker at the facility. Take a close hard look at the place. Spend a little time observing - not just a walk thru.
    A lot depends on your parent's needs, of course.
    If I can think of more specifics, I'll chime in. We lucked out with a good place right off the bat.
     
  7. speedluvn

    speedluvn Man card Issuer

    Sorry to here about this Fencer.

    A couple of questions; Can you readjust assistance to cover the night shift?

    Is he falling, wandering? Does your mother just not feel adequately able to assist your father should something unexpected arise. Explore the reasoning why. Are they opposed to moving with you? You being there with your mother to offer physical/mental assistance would boost her confidence in keeping your father home where he belongs, if he is medically able/cleared. You use their house as a respite location.

    Do you have other siblings/family that would assist in volunteering to assist him/your mother at home if . . . he is medically able/cleared. Talk to the social worker at the facility to explore the options available for your father to remain at home if he is medically able.

    Preserve the quality of life for both parents all the while trying to maintain your sanity with your other life issues.

    Good luck fencer!
     
    samizx7 likes this.
  8. Fencer

    Fencer Well-Known Member

    The largest two issues Dad is facing is Parkinson's which is making the physical world challenging, and Mother is saying the unclassified dementia is rapidly progressing and making for sleepless nights, wondering the house, etc.

    We had a date last weekend, and for the most part, he was fine while we were out.

    And, I just want to throw props out again to Kyle Wyman for the gratis tickets to Barber this year for the AMA. This was likely our last racing event we will attend together.

    We had a great date and were never able to meet you in person that day and thank you personally, as he started having issues and we had to leave.

    Best wishes and thanks again
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2016
    mpusch, StaccatoFan and BigBird like this.
  9. Hyperdyne

    Hyperdyne Indy United SBK

    The cost is a major factor. Essentially, anything and everything you have, they take. Don't bother trying to squander it or shuffle it amongst family members. They go back 7 years on purchases, money transfers, etc.. They will find it. At the end of the day, they will take the house too. My grandmother passed earlier this year and despite she and my grandfather stashing it away all of their lives on a mechanics wages, they took it all..

    And understand this. He will be comfortable, fed exceptionally well, but that's the extent of it. The tend to get to a point where it's around the clock care, some days they don't bother getting them out of bed, etc...

    I hated to see my grandmother go that way, but her dimensia and Alzheimer's got to the point where she didn't know anyone anymore. It sucked.

    BTW... Good luck to you. It's difficult man. It really is.
     
  10. R Acree

    R Acree Banned

    Just went through this with Mom a couple years ago and my FIL has Parkinsons now. No one can answer what is right but you. We had Mom home with us for the last few months, but my wife was in a position to adjust her work schedule to be with her a lot. Mom was bedridden and as difficult as that was, I think it may well be more difficult with someone partially able with dementia. They have enough ability to make life difficult without the mental capacity to realize the problem.


    Nursing homes are tough. You feel guilty when you can't visit and when you do, you feel guilty when you leave.
     
    beac83 likes this.
  11. wanderlust

    wanderlust Well-Known Member

    I have done rotations in long term care facilities when I was going through medic and nursing school...there are good ones and there are absolutely terrible places.

    My suggestion would be to come during lunch or dinner service and sit quietly and watch -- you'll be able to see the interactions of the STNA's (who do the brunt of the work in a LCF - all the activities of daily living - eating, drinking, getting dressed, bathroom help, etc., etc.) and the residents of the home...there are always good aides and bad ones...talk to the aides, ask them about the facility -- if you want to know how shit runs -- they're the ones who will tell you without holding anything back. If you see something that makes you feel uncomfortable -- there will be much much more going on behind closed doors. Ask about the nursing staff - Will the nursing staff be LPN's? RN's? How much experience do they have? Will there be a physician on call at all times? Will your parents be able to retain their own physician? Ask about what kind of activities they offer for residents -- activities keep their minds sharp! There is a rating system for long term care facilities -- you can check on http://ltc.ohio.gov/NursingHomes.aspx for some info...but talking to residents and nursing staff is the best way to figure out what kind of place you're visiting.

    The shitty thing about a long term care facility is that the administration and the nursing staff are on different ends of the spectrum -- one side is trying to maximize profits and one side is trying to care for residents. Do your homework, take your time making a decision -- make sure both of your parents will be happy with the decision.

    After doing my clinical rotations in nursing facilities I refuse to put my parents or grandparents in a home. When my grandma's health started to decline, she had a nurse spend the night through the week (very reasonable on cost and it was the same nurse -- 5 days a week from the time she was hired to the time my grandma passed) and on the weekends, everyone took turns spending the weekends in a rotation. If you have the ability to move your parents in with you and perhaps get some help from a visiting nursing staff -- I would personally go that route...It's gonna be difficult any way you do it...

    best wishes
     
  12. In Your Corner

    In Your Corner Dungeonesque Crab AI Version

    One of the worst things that happen to the elderly are falls. A broken hip or femur can be the beginning of a quick end.
    Saw it happen to my FIL last year.
    My experience has been that elderly care facilities do a poor job of preventing falls.
    Home care can be less expensive, too.
    No easy answers.
     
  13. Motofun352

    Motofun352 Well-Known Member

    Mom was in an assisted living for 3 years and now a nursing home for the last 2. She is wheel chair bound as are about 90% of the folks there. I don't worry about falls as they have these devices (kinda like an engine hoist) that they use to lift them from bed to chairs etc. The nurses/aides would all have back problems if they had to lift by hand. If you haven't thought about it you might consider a long term care insurance policy...my Mom had one and it more than covered the first 3 years...now it's about $100k a year. I'm sure it varies greatly state to state but my opinion is you always want to be a cash customer.....
     
  14. Spitz

    Spitz Well-Known Member

    A well known guy in town here just walked into the woods one day and blew himself away, apparently he was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't getting any better and he didn't want to be dragging his family through the whole thing. I don't know what kind of mindset it takes to do that but then again Im not living with a terminal condition.
     
  15. L8 Braker

    L8 Braker 'Murica

    If you know any paramedics, pick their brains for the best and worst out there. They will be brutally honest with their opinions, and have 1st hand knowledge to back it up.

    If you don't have that luxury, Google reviews for your choices and look for re-occurring themes like infection rates, problems with AHCA, OSHA, etc.

    And whatever you choose, visit often. It's a proven fact that residents who have frequent visits have better experiences. There's no disputing neglect if you see your family member on a regular basis and notice the visible changes that aren't part of the aging process. Like malnourishment, bed sores, stolen property and mental changes, just to name a few.
     
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  16. R Acree

    R Acree Banned

    Excellent points. That was one of the worst things about vivising Mom the brief time she was in the Nursing Home. We saw folk with no family , no visitors...they were just being warehoused until they had the decency to die.
     
  17. Venom51

    Venom51 John Deere Equipment Expert - Not really

    Talk to someone at you local hospital. They have to help place people all the time and can give you their perspective on what they feel is the best facility. When we had to place granny as her needs were more than we could do at home or even the assisted living facility could handle we were lucky to have Huffdaddy's wife Melissa that works in that arena and was able to tell us where to place her based on her past experience. Granny went from taking a blinky bus ride to the emergency room every fews days and them wanting to send her to hospice to rolling around the facility being social and still living to this very day. That was 4 years ago. She is now 95 and they do a fantastic job with her.

    Local knowledge from medical professionals will be a good place to start.
     
  18. nigel smith

    nigel smith Well-Known Member

    My father has been battling Parkinson's for years. We recently moved him into my brother's house. We have a couple of full time caretakers to help out. Paying them is cheaper than paying for an old folks warehouse. My dad watched some of his friends finish out their lives waiting for God in a nursing home. It was sad. We are hoping to avoid it.
     
  19. kyle carver

    kyle carver Well-Known Member

    Is your dad a Vet, a lot of paperwork but serious help. And with dealing with assisted living homes remember everything is negotiable.
     
    Fencer likes this.
  20. KWyman133

    KWyman133 Well-Known Member

    Glad to help, busy weekend though, no worries! Only wish I could help more, especially with your current situation. Best of luck.
     
    Fencer likes this.

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