“I need your buy-in on this” is one I hate. I also hate when they refer to us as a sales “team.” A team is working towards a common goal where they all benefit. That ain’t how sales works. The rep in Dallas isn’t splitting her commission check with me and vice versa. What a joke.
The stakeholders or the decision-makers? Because we can't put boots on the ground until we are sure we have traction and the team is committed 110%. Without the client drinking the Kool-Aid we could come out of pocket here right from stem to stern and I don't want to see the goalposts moved on us, even if we have to brainstorm outside the box to drill down further.
Well maybe we can vertically integrate to reach the lofty sales projections and create paradigm shifting synergies.
The phrase “Out of pocket” is catching on at my office. Apparently it means “unavailable” and I want to throat punch everybody that mumbles this bullshit.
Gonna admit I’m guilty of some of these. Let’s take this offline is one I’ve used a lot, primarily because in my line of work I’m constantly working on separate projects with almost every department simultaneously. So in staff meetings almost everything directed at me should be “taken offline” simply because it involves me and maybe 2 other people in the room. And being in lean manufacturing, terms like value added among others get used a lot simply because it is actually the most concise way of stating something. That being said, the lingo that borderline doesn’t make sense, is way too drawn out and just sounds like someone tried to come up with a fancy or entertaining way to make an otherwise simple statement drive me apeshit.
I was guilty of office speak the other day while on the phone with my boss and a co-worker. He made a dumb decision and I said to him ‘are you fucking high?’. He laughed and changed his mind. I don’t miss working in corporate America.
Business Speak (or Let’s All Give 110% Guys!) Are we all singing from the same hymn sheet, maximising the potential we’ve got? Do we compete in today’s global market? The elephant in the room says we’re not. So come on let’s hit the ground running, we don’t want to drop the ball now. You know it’s a win win situation, if we all try to milk the cash cow. If we can attempt to manage expectations, and bring on our A-game this time, we can apply the 80-20 rule, and answer all major questions off-line. So let’s run it up the flagpole again… Are we going from good to great team? What we need to be is client-centric, I’m sure you can grasp what I mean. Give me a ballpark figure, This has legs and can really go far, It will push us up the value chain, and pay dividends as we all raise the bar. We’ve optimised our supply-chain, and integrated our liquid assets. It’s a value-added proposition now, a stratagem, with additional facets. I’ve run it past the people upstairs, and they’ve rubber stamped the plan. Now all we need to do is consolidate, all the strategic benchmarks we can. It’s a market-driven solution, handed down by the powers that be. So let’s be proactive here people… The bottom line is as high as can be. Let’s take it to the next level, What we need is a paradigm shift. We need to move on this quickly, to give our brand image a lift. So let’s draw a line in the sand now, and reach for the low-hanging fruit. I’m saying push the envelope as we evolve, strive for excellence, as we recruit. For are we not the best of breed? Did we not put a stake in the ground? Our core competency is off the radar, It resonates with success we have found. Let’s have some blue sky thinking guys. Can you see clear blue water today? If we can now just square that circle, our key deliverables should be OK. A sea change in our best practices, will mean that we’re fully financed. At the end of the day, it is what it is, but our ethos and profile are enhanced. Do we need to cast a wider net? Will it improve our ROI? Is it impactful, and actionable? Is there a synergy we can apply? I do love a good business cliché, even when it’s been over used. It brings a lot of value to the table, to leverage spotting language abused. It means we can play meeting bingo, to pass time when BS abounds. It’s amazing in meetings how some open their mouths, and just utter non-meaningful sounds. If you have got the slightest clue, of the meaning of this bullshit they spill. You must have a degree in Business Speak, or alternatively be mentally ill. I’m sure that most of us have been there, When a manager or boss or some clown, Is trying to impress with their vocabulary range When we all just wish they’d simply pipe down. So if you want to work on a ship of fools, and toe the line, wear a shirt and comply, Get a job in an office filled with morons, Not me, no not me… I’d rather die. ©2014 Stephen M. Crawford (A.k.a: The Roxstarre Poet)
That’s the good thing about the oilfield. I could say that exact same thing, with a “fuckin’” tossed in here and there, and not only would I not get called into anywhere for it, people would actually laugh at it. Or even if they didn’t laugh, they would just nod and be like “he’s right”. Hell, you would probably even hear a “Got ‘em!” from the back of the room somewhere.
Team thing drives me nuts as well. I may help a friend out with a file or two on vacation, but I have no idea why they make us all get together in the same room periodically like we are some kind of family. I'm notorious for not knowing the names or faces of anyone on our "team".