Is it contagious? Does this place need another divorce thread?!

Leaving his daughter is something he indicated was not an option.

 

Im right there with you bud. But I can only tell you what Im doing, as I gave up my friends and hobbies during my marriage and now that Im not with the kids every day I had to change things. I talk to a counselor, and with others who have been though similar things. I decided to go for a run one day and after that decided to train for a 5k, done that, now on to a 10k. I started working out and running to stop the hurt in my chest that robbed me of sleep and made me a zombie. I made sure to start eating better to make the work outs worth while. I also like cooking and find it therapeutic. I listen to a lot more music. I reconnected with family and friends, and Im making new ones. Went to some football and basketball games, comedy shows, back to the track for the first time in 10 years (guess how long we have been married), reading self help books to improve who I am (never read or bought in to those, but good habits and good thoughts are just that). Reconnected with my faith too. I keep a journal, and I also write down a few things Im grateful for each day.

Bottom line, do you want to be there for your daughter? What kind of influence do you want to be, do you want her to grow up seeing a miserable drunk slowly kill himself, or do you want to show her what kind of man she deserves when she grows up. Im going to make sure my kids see a happy healthy dad, a man who embodies what they should strive for.

 

Its been almost 3 months for me, and Im still broken, still have days where I dont eat, or sleep, hell most days I dont sleep much, but Im making each day a little better. Start with one thing, just one, and keep at it, the others will follow.

 

You make some good points. I was a wild teenager - grew up in the late '70s/early '80s with drugs and alcohol as the "cool" thing to do. I spent 25 years as a non-drinker/non-partier from age 25 to 49 because I didn't want to lose focus, and I wasn't sure I was "grown up" enough to handle it. Started drinking again when my daughter was born, because, in my mind, I was finally grown up. It was no problem for a long time. Now, 6 years later, it is handling me, because I'm old and alone, which was not part of the plan.

It's a challenge here, because in Germany, everything revolves around alcohol. There is no such thing as alcoholism in this country - the Germans don't see it as an illness.. You can either handle your drink, or you are a derelict. There are no support groups here, because they don't see a need - in the opposite, support groups for divorced people revolve around social drinking. I come from a long line of functional alcoholics, so there is no sympathy in my family. They take a very German view.

I am somewhat in agreement with this - I was a non-drinker by choice, not because I had to stop. Now it is consuming me, because I lack the focus I had, and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

You guys are right - I need to break myself out of the habits. The 'zero days' comment from Jed was spot on. Time to find something else to keep me occupied, other than the maudlin reminiscing about what could have been and why all of this happened. I've finally made my peace with the idea that the wife is moving on to something or someone else, so it is time I do the same. Beer just makes me fat and stupid.

 

Not an option until my daughter is college-age. My ex-wife and daughter are both dual US/German citizens, so I cannot force a move back to the US.

 

My home office is in Germany so I spend a lot of time there. Jump on the ICE, go places, build a puzzle, just do something with an end goal. I still go out “drinking” but don’t drink. I’m always surrounded my alcohol wether it be in Germany, Asia or Ne Ga. all my friends drink a fair bit, etc but you can always occupy your time doing something if you put your mind to it.

 

Not sure what city you are in, but the below could be in most places:
1) Join a gym and sign up for specific classes or personal training for a committed period of time.
2) Meet-ups, Toastmasters, Board Game store(s).
3) Ex-Pat stuff. https://www.internations.org/germany-expats/americans or https://www.expat.com/forum/viewforum.php?id=303
4) Car Club?
5) Buy a museum membership. They usually have events and activities for members. Meet a different group of people than at the local pub.
6) Not sure if they have a community college system similar to the US, but why not take a class? German language classes?

 

BTW it was around the time my first was born that my alcohol intake upped. Ive realized now that I drank to cope with the stress, the unhappiness of giving up myself to focus only on the happiness of others and not even acknowledge my own. My wife decided to quit her well paying job, and taking on a different pursuit with hours that are out side the 9-5, ie. when I didnt work, so I was the sole breadwinner, main parent, cook, etc, etc. She has made a net -$ last year, sound like I made a good decision?

What have you always wanted to do? What activity comes to mind when you were last happy? Time to get up off the mat, today is about you.

 

We‘ve been Officially Separated for a bit more than a year now (time flies, especially on the beeb). In Germany that is the minimum time to enter into divorce proceedings. Despite kicking me out in April 2018, the ex has shown no signs of actually wanting to end things. Instead, she has been playing a long game of suggesting that she would hold the upper hand because she is German and I am not.

In the meantime, I found out when we did our US tax return that she has had a secret German bank account for 20 years, which she plans to use to buy a house. This revelation came 3 years after we emptied our mutual savings to move here.

So today I met with a local lawyer to start the process. The lawyer says that given her status in Germany, she might actually owe me money, instead of me paying her

I am now looking forward to getting divorced.

 

Keep your head up. Your actions should always be in the best interest of your daughter. That’s what helped me to maintain my sanity during my divorce. Listen to your lawyer to make the best decisions for you and your daughter.

Good luck!

 

That's the kind of crap that will turn a reasonable person vindictive. Feel the dark side.

 

You ain’t seen nothing until the other spouse uses the kids as pawns in the separation/divorce.
The other spouses actions can definitely show you their dark side.

 

True, I kept buying new clothes for them and she would keep them and send them back in rags, then call me when the kids cry that their favorite clothes are here, she also sent them back after bathing them once in a week. Plus Im pretty positive her BF has a PI watching my house, the same black car very slowly drives by the house, and will park light off for hours after dark in front of my house, when any lights at the house come on, and we walk down the drive way it takes off, middle aged woman. Stupid little things.

 

Where did the divorce thread go?
Anyhow. Not actually affected, just saw this fitting line:

 

Away.

 

ah it banned itself.