Everyone say hello to my still not ex, she is still here

You're just after his man hands

 

22 + wonderful years, by the time we are done, who knows?

The new date is OCT 3, Hopefully we can raise a glass that day

 

Damn man. I gotta say, I just don't get how you make it that long and then it falls apart. That shit alone has me way nervous about ever trying round 2.

 

Honestly, I don't know either. We had some rough spots, but I thought we had worked it all out. but, according to her, she just bent to my iron fist will so things would go smoothly and stopped communicating with me....

RIGHT.

The truth was right there all along.

Don't marry ( but it is too late when you find out) a woman that said she married you for your potential. It appears she never loved me or at least not to the depth that I used to care for her. Now, it would seem, we are on equal footing as to how we feel about each other.

Also, I guess I did not live up to what she thought my potential was....

Being a good husband, father and provider was not enough.

Hey hon, I bet you will not bring this particular post to court.

P.S.

My mother gave me an. "I told you so"

Don't marry a girl with serious daddy issues.

She did tell me that before we married, but I figured it was just typical mom stuff that no one is good enough for my child.

Hey mom, I know you will likely never see this, but you were right. and you know I can't tell you that to your face.

LOL

 

Fencer, you would have been justified in stopping at:

"Don't marry"

in the post above. That's the solid advise I'll be giving my son as he grows up. Now whether he listens or not will be up to him.

And I know things suck for you right now, but please believe me that in a couple years when things are finalized, you'll find yourself so much happier without her.
Hopefully she reads this thread. Because I'd love to be there when you come to the realization that you're free and your life is so much better than it was with her.
22 years of misery is all in your rear view mirror, you have a new girlfriend who is fun, stands with you and makes you happy. While every time you see your ex, she's her same unhappy, miserable self. I just cannot wish enough happiness for you after going through all this.

I've been down the path you're walking about 3 1/2 years ago. I take great pleasure in every time I see my Ex waddle in at a school event for my son. We rarely see each other and it allows me to see how she's packin' on the pounds like she's working part time and Cinnabon doing a "one for you, two for me" on every sale.

I hope for all that and more for you, Sir!

 

I am already happier, minus the current fiasco she has created with my children and the current lawyer financial drain. but it will all pass.

 

Well, if you really want to do down that rabbit hole of "why", you should consider some reading.

I think that "daddy issues" is simplistic and a bit overplayed. What you are describing is classic hypergamy. Because of the differences in the way that men and women are unconsciously "wired" through instinctive biological survival strategies, she can't and will not love you in the same way that you can love her.

Tomassi:
"As a man it is important to understand that love will always, necessarily, be an unequal exchange of sacrifice for a woman. You simply don’t share the same concept of love with a woman. There are complementary benefits, but never assume your investment with a woman will be an equitable tradeoff. Men weren’t designed for that, this is why notions of relational equity is a real tough ego-investment for a man to abandon when he comes to Red Pill awareness."

"Sympathy / Empathy flow downward from men to women and then to children. Men who understand and accept this never expect empathy from women to begin with. For that man, either a woman meets his criteria for his investment or he drops her for a better prospect."

"Only in a feminized equalist society do men expect in-kind reciprocation from women. As a man, your “needs” are only important to you. Men’s disappointment comes from expecting a balanced return on his emotional investment and relational equity; this is the result of his egalitarian equalist conditioning. It sucks and it’s offensive to men because they’ve believed for most of their lives that there should be an equitable exchange of emotional and personal investments – his woman should have his needs and his best interests in mind in a like fashion that he has for her; this is not and has never been the case. In fact it’s a recipe for failure, since it puts men into a position of neediness, and thus forces him to negotiate for his woman’s desire."

Hypergamy Doesn't Care

Relational Equity

The hard truth is that as men, we are largely to blame for our own failures because of our ignorance of how these things work. When we unwittingly yield to feminine conditioning and hand over a part of the helm, we are sealing our own fate.

 

There is indeed quite a deep rabbit hole to go down if you truly want to understand how and why things happen in these sorts of circumstances. Something I saw recently gave me a real "ah-ha" moment. I think it was a youtube video, but it discussed the differences in the way that men and women love. The general gist of it is that a man loves a woman for who she is as a person. Her essence, her character, her morals....basically just her as a person. All the things that cannot be separated from that person as they are innate fundamental aspects of who they are as a person.

A woman loves a man for what the man can provide to/for her. His money, power, influence, resources, "potential", etc etc......essentially all the attributes that can be separated from the man himself. In other words alot of the things that can be fleeced in family court or things that might go bye-bye if the guy falls on hard times.

When you think about grand romantic gestures, who is [almost] always giving them and who is always on the receiving end of them. Yup.....

As was mentioned in the post above, the problem happens when men think that women reciprocate love in the same way that they do, and that just isn't the case.

 

P.S. Sorry for your tough times Fencer.

 

C'mon now. Y'all are getting a little silly with the psycho analysis nonsense.

Psychologists are a baby step above lawyers on the occupation scale.




I kid, beeb lawyers, I kid.

 

If people would just put their big boy pants on and realize that people grow apart,relationships take patience and understanding. When one of those is lost, so is the relationship. I'm not directing this to anyone, just relationships in general. All this lawyer and psychologist BS about trying to "understand" why is a waste of time and energy that can be spent on better things.....such as riding motorbikes. Being vindictive wastes both, and both are in short supply for every human.

Fencer , it's only gonna get better. Keep your head up. You're doing the right thing by your kids. Keep being that kick ass dad as all this other sh!t matters not.

 

You can't claim "I told you so" props when someone made it 22 years. You don't get that win.

 

This describes the issues in my marriage to a T. My wife and I have actually discussed it at length, but I thought it was something unique, not a "wiring issue" common in women. Being aware and discussing it has done two things for us: first, the realization made her work at it a little harder, and second, it made me aware that I shouldn't expect her to love me back exactly the same way I love her.

I'm also pretty certain she checks up on me here from time to time, so "hi babe!"

 

@Sacko Scott and @BHP41
I was married longer than Fencer. There was a lot of history to review. This silly psycho analysis predicted everything that I did wrong, exactly how she reacted, and the end result, being the disrespect that seems to blindside.

BHP, if men would take the time to understand the biological foundation of how these interactions work, he will save much more time and heartache. Success is more about understanding your role, how to play your role, and how to maintain a long term attraction from your wife. Real attraction cannot be negotiated. But go ahead and bury your head in the sand with your patience and understanding. In the end, mother nature won't give two shits about that, and a guy is left wondering what went wrong.

 

Every time i come back to this thread it just reminds me how much I love my wife In all seriousness, I hope things work out for you Fencer.

 

When you're in a relationship, the advice is sound. When it's over. Why waste the time? No two people(men or women) are the same so the "understanding" of one may or may not relate to the next.

 

Actually, that is what this advice attempts to do, which is to underline the aspects that are consistent in all potential mates. It is an understanding that is most important when a new relationship starts, something that I expect is in Fencer's future. What he learns about this broken dream will serve him well in the future and is definitely not wasted introspection.

 

I was married 36 years. Usually the answer is as simple as people change, no deep psychological analysis needed. Accept it and move on or fight about it.