Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

I liked it better the first time.

 

how do you make a dead baby float?








two scoops of ice cream, two scoops of dead baby! *

*stolen from L. Kilmister.

 

Sickest joke ever

Why do you have to wrap your hamster with Scotch tape?



















So it won't explode when you f**k it.

 

Close but no cigar. Here are some brutal ones

http://www.sciforums.com/showthread.php?35969-The-Most-Offensive-Jokes-Ever!!!

 

Somehow this thread slipped all the way to Page 6! C'mon guys!

Here's one with Johnny B in mind:

Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause. When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
.
.
.
.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Jack Daniels
And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,

'He’s going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'

 

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his range of ladies underwear.


In hindsight, 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best choice of name.

 

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but as part of the test, you're gonna lose an engine on take-off."

 

This is not a joke!!!!!!!!

I don't how many of you shop at Walmart, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags in the trunk. They both start wiping your windows with a rag and Windex, with their ample breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they strip naked and start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one cleverly steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most probably tonight.

Just thought you should know.

 

Faster!

 

<right click>
save

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt
.45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yelled,

"I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"



A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You need more ammo."

 

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

 

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting
you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting...
Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

 

The Chinese guy calls into work and says, "I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today."

The boss says, "You know something, Wong, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me oral. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Try that."

Two hours later Wong calls again. "I do what you say, and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

How to find to coochie on a fat girl?

Peel back the flabs of fat till you find the one that smells like shit….
Then back up one

 

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:


COLD BEER: $5.00

HAMBURGER: $10.00

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50

HAND JOB: $250.00


Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. Yes? she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, Yes sir, I sure am.

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good,

because I want a cheeseburger.

 

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly stood up and said "I went on a choo-choo!"

The teacher grimaced and replied "No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"

Sarah stood up and exclaimed "I went to see my granny!"

Again the teacher pulled a face and said "No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let's hear you?"

Jimmy got up and said "I read a book!"

The teacher smiled.

"Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?"

Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted "Winnie the SHIT."

 

Speaking of Little Johnny, he went to his mom and asked her for some Viagra because he had the runs.

Mom asked him why he thought Viagra would hell with that?

"Well, that's what you give dad when his shit won't get hard..."