Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Five (5) Levels of Hangover

One (1) Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes & still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two (2) Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look OK, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruit-covered waffle from the 3:00AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three (3) Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching I Love Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas & a diet Coke ... yet you haven't peed once.

Four (4) Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late & has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, & even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, & the 1st of about 5 shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five (5) Star Hangover (*****)

You have a 2nd heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore & making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid w/a rare Floater thrown in. The sole purpose of this Floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

 

My wife and daughter tried to order pancakes at Waffle House once.

 

World is full of pickers...

 

And this year we have a bumper crop of nits. Serendipity.

 

Plenty of nits and boogers on board now...

 

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

 

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fucking hilarious....

 

I love this thread.

 

A flip on big dick jokes...
_________________________

A younger guy from Dallas is getting sent off to a convention. It'll be his first and so the office mates tell him to do it right and hire a hooker. So he goes, and he does.

They're in his hotel room and after a few hits of the mini bar, they start undressing. When he pulls off his size 14 shoes the hooker says, "damn you got big feet fella".

"That's the way we grow them in Texas miss" he replies. He then pulls off his shirt at which the hooker says, "Holy farkel you've got a huge chest"!

"That's the way we're made in Texas", he replies. They fondle around a bit and he drops his pants and pulls down his tightie whities letting his boys get some fresh air. Seeing his dick the hooker is beside herself. "Holy mother of Pie", she exclaims, "your disck is humongous"!

Blushing, "Well, I AM from Texas miss". So they climb in the Sleep Number Bed and he mounts her up and commences pumping away. After a minute he stops, props himself up on his elbows, looks her in the eyes and says, "Miss, what part of Texas are you from"?

 

... which reminds me of a joke from my 'ute'

Guy goes to a whorehouse. Settles for a price, picks his gal and heads to a room for some of what he came for.

He pulls his boots off. The lady says, "What the hell happened to your toes?"

He replies, "When I was young I had toeleo".

"You mean 'Polio'...?"

"No, I meant what I said, I had toeleo. That's why my toes look that way."

He pulls his pants off. Staring at his knees she asks, "What the hell happened to your knees?"

"When I was young I had a case of kneesles."

"You mean 'measles'...?"

"No, I meant what I said, I had kneesles. That's why my knees look that way."

He pulls his undies off.

"Let me guess..." the lady says, "... smallcox?"

 

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.

I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too
late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through a 4-year old boy.

11.) 'Play dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without
kids

 

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After 15 minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have 15 minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.


May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy, Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter. '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME . '

 

New stop sign design by today's corporate standards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9YeOQm3Y0

 

Little Johnny ... he'z a back!

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

 

Damn It !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't find any brake fluid !!!

 

let it sit for a bit, give it about 5 minutes...


i didnt suggest anything

 

Hmmmmn... so this has to be PC huh? Well then....

3 men just excaped from jail, they are running through fields and after a few miles they come to a field with all kinds of fruits grow, so they spread out and start taking as they please, the first man picking grapes, the second apples, and the third watermelons... after about half an hour a farmer comes out to the field, and pulls his shotgun on the three men and says "Now i'm going to have you shove everything you picked up your ass, or i'm going to shoot you" and turns to the first guy and tells him to start. Bewildered, the man looks at him and tells him he isn't shoving anything up his ass. The farmer raises his gun, and blows the mans head off, then proceeds to the second man, and tells him to start. Looking at his convict friend laying dead in the field, he drops his pants, and starts shoving the apples up his ass, gets to the last one, but it won't fit. The man busts out laughing histarically. Confused the farmer say "WTF?!?! I'm going to blow your head off, why are you laughing?"

"That fucker picked watermelons!"