Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A penguin pushes his car into a service station. He tells the mechanic it just died. Mechanic says it's gonna be awhile before he can get to it, so the penguin walks across the street to an ice cream shop where he proceeds to try to eat a bowl of vanilla ice cream.

With his short flippers, no opposable thumb and his unwieldy beak he ends up with about as much ice cream on his face as in his belly. Finally he waddles back to check on his car. The mechanic is still underneath working.

"Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says, still buried in his work.

"No, that's just ice cream." explains the penguin.

 

A woman walked into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy
some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

A group of people are hanging out at party, talking, and playing a game of 20 questions. As one game ends with the correct word being figured out, a guy says, "I've got one, I have a word that no one will guess."
He writes "Donkey-Dick" on a piece of paper. Folds it up so no one can see it, puts it in his pocket, and requests the first question.

A girl asks, "Is it something edible?"

The guy has to think for a moment. "Well, hmmm, I guess so. Yes, it is technically edible."

The girl says, "Is it donkey-dick?"

 

I don't know why but that one really did make me laugh.

 

funny!!!

 

Thanks! I actually laughed out loud on that one!

 

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, intensive care!! she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

The missionary arrived at the small village in the jungles of Borneo and went about converting all of the village people...it was a lonely job, and of course the missionary was tempted because most of the young women went around bare ass naked...despite his deep convictions, the young man finally gave in to temptation and had his way with many of the women.

All went as usual for about nine months, and then one day, the village Chief burst through the church door, face red and eyes bulging.

"You!" the Chief screamed, " you better start explainin'! For thousands of years, we have never seen a white baby here, until you came! Now, we are seeing dozens of them!"

"Now calm down, my son," said the missionary, "and come over here with me to the window...now look out there, Chief, at that flock of sheep, and what do we see?...yes, we see black sheep, because the Lord works in mysterious ways!"

The Chief stood still for a few moments, and then spoke: "Alright, if you don't say anything, I won't say anything!"

 

:up: Still one of my all-time favorites!

 

Marriage

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

 

New Organization...

Did you hear about the new organization called “DAM”?
(Mothers Against Dyslexia)

 

And now a message from the national Pancake Institute and it says "F*CK WAFFLES"

 

I laughed more at this than at the joke!

 

Animal walks into a bar joke

A baby seal walks into a club!

 

Indian Humor

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Indian: The future tense is "you will go to jail".

 

Here's one of those "That's-so-bad-it's-funny" jokes...

First hydrogen atom : I think I lost my electron.
Second hydrogen atom: Really?
First hydrogen atom: Yeah, I'm positive.

:up: :down:

 

Paki Humor...

Paki at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what
you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

 

Please explain...

 

That's an animal walks into a bar joke. It's a sick joke. It's two fold. On one hand a baby seal is walking into a club (or bar) where drinks are served.
Baby seals are also clubbed to death for their fur. That is the other meaning (Walks into a club or being hit with a club)


I don't approve of the killing of baby seals with clubs. Or any other method. :tut: