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Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Discussion in 'General' started by Pepe Le Ghey Pew, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. tiggen

    tiggen Things are lookin' up.

    I was on the train last night, sitting across from this young, hot Thai woman.

    I said to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

    But she did.










    *originally found in ADV forum's joke thread
     
  2. pscook

    pscook Well-Known Member

    My daughter got a one day suspension for not turning in her homework.



    I'll let her back in the house in an hour.
     
    Fuzzy317 likes this.
  3. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

    "I'm a turtle", he says.

    "Oh... who's on your back?"

    "That's Michelle", he replies.
     
    scottn and Banditracer like this.
  4. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    A middle-aged man is cruising the seedier streets downtown in his wood-panel station wagon. He stops at a light and a scantily clad young lady taps on his passenger side window. He rolls the window down and she suggestively asks, "Hey handsome, do you have anything hard you'd like me to take care of for you?"

    "I sure do. How much do you charge?"

    She smiles sweetly. "Are you a policeman?"

    He answers, "No, just a regular guy with a job and a mortgage."

    She winks and says, "For $500 I'll do anything you want."

    "Anything? For $500? Hop in bitch, you're painting my house!"
     
  5. BSA43

    BSA43 Well-Known Member

    ^^^ A variation on the old Buddy Hackett joke.

    RIP, Buddy.
     
  6. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Might have been where I first heard it for all I remember. Something reminded me of that joke's punchline yesterday and I fabricated the rest to share here.
     
  7. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

    After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, "Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?" all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies!" cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
     
    sdg, Dan Dubeau, renegade17 and 3 others like this.
  8. tzrider

    tzrider CZrider

    That's a definite 'Pick your crowd' kind of joke.... Or it may leave a mark. :D
     
  9. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Humor is as humor does. And sometimes...

    notamused.gif
     
  10. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

    In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

    As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."
     
  11. DmanSlam

    DmanSlam Well-Known Member

    Seems there is an alternate moral to the story like if only bio Mom were around (to show daughter self-respect for her body) or if only bio Dad were around (to show daughter how to pick decent guys).

    I noticed this situation happened on granny's watch though. Because granny's too old, tired and deaf to mind her granddaughter who's taking easy advantage? Are you an age-ist? :) :)
     
  12. SundaySocial

    SundaySocial Blue & Gold

    One of the old goats around here laughed so hard his eyes leaked.
     
  13. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

  14. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    I sell pies out of my car. $10 dollars for a pecan pie, $8 for a key lime.

    These are the pie rates of the car I be in.
     
    R Acree likes this.
  15. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    What is the opposite of formaldehyde?



    Casualdejekyll.

    o_O
     
  16. DmanSlam

    DmanSlam Well-Known Member

    I might have posted this elsewhere. Not sure.

    106045462_158989249044202_2917555194349828510_n.jpg
     
  17. britx303

    britx303 Boomstick Butcher…..

    Sometimes the best jokes are the simple ones like this!! Damn I laughed my ass off at this one!!!:crackup::crackup:
     
  18. grasshopper

    grasshopper Well-Known Member

    A man goes to his doctor and tells him...
    ... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

    The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab every morning and the driver asks "Are you going to pay me this time, lady, or what?" I take the 'or what'. In the office, my boss asks "Are you going to finish the job today or what?" I take the 'or what'. In the evening, the cab driver asks, "Are you going to pay me this time at least or what?" I take the 'or what' again. I am sick and tired of the 'or whats' by the time I return home and that's when my husband asks me for sex. So, I keep refusing him."

    The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Should I tell all of this to your husband or what?"
     
    gixxernaut likes this.
  19. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    Try to run in front of a car and you can get tired.

    Try to run behind a car and you can get exhausted.
     
  20. gixxernaut

    gixxernaut Hold my beer & watch this

    COVID strikes again!

    This year I won't be able to take a trip to Europe because of a stupid virus.

    I hate this if for no other reason than it breaks my streak of over 30 years of not going to Europe because I can't afford it.
     
    tiggen, R Acree and SundaySocial like this.

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