Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

Tourist1, upon stubbing his toe: Fuck!
Host: What did he say?
Tourist2: He said that he wished he paid more attention to where he was walking while distracted by your beautiful city.
Host: In one word? That's impressive.

Tourist1, upon doing the conversion to find out how much he just spent on dinner: Fuck!
Waiter: What did he say?
Tourist2: He said that he should have refreshed himself about the exchange rate before ordering.

Tourist1, upon seeing the Eiffel Tower: Fuck!
Host: What did he say?
Tourist2: He said that he is impressed by this engineering marvel, especially considering when it was built.

Tourist1, upon seeing the barmaid: Fuck!
Barmaid: What did he say?
Tourist2: He said that he wishes to compose an ode to your beauty, but he lacks the skills to match the divine nature revealed by your perfect features.
Barmaid: No shit?

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees.

So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing.

Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees.

Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away.

Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"

 

The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.

I probably should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

 

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.

Then you said:

Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.

So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

 

Guy goes to Las Vegas and loses all his money gambling. He flags a cab down and asks him to take him to the airport, then explains he has no money. He promises the driver he will find him and pay the next time.
The driver replies, “Get the hell out of my cab!”
The guy walks to the airport to catch his flight home.
Several months later he is back in Vegas. This time he wins big. Coming out of the casino, he sees a line of cabs. The last one in line is the guy who threw him out of his cab. The guy thinks for a minute about how to get revenge, then goes to the first cab.
”How much to go to the airport?”
Driver; “$15.”
”Great. How much for a blowjob on the way?”
Driver: “Get the hell out of my cab!”
He goes to the second cab.
”How much to get to the airport?”
”$15.”
”How much for a blowjob on the way?”
”Get the fuck out of my cab!”
The guy does this all the way down the line of cabs. Reaching the last one, he asks, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
Driver replies, “$15.”
Guy says, “Great!” And hands him $15.
As they pull out and pass the entire line of cabs, all the other cab drivers are staring. The guy smiles widely and gives them all a thumbs up as they go by...

 

Jewish humour at its best!

 

I was asked if I would rather have a 9" penis and $90 in the bank, or a 3" penis and $3 million in the bank.

I couldn't see the downside and answered I'd rather have the $3 million and two extra inches.

 

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Damned autocorrect... That should be "wifi"."

 

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

 

A Roman farmer is working in a field and he comes across this berry bush. On it he finds the most perfect, plump berry he had ever seen.

He decides it must be The God Of Berries. So he immediately gets down on his knees and begins to worship and praise the berry.

After a while, he plucks the berry and brings it home to show his wife. "Wow, that's some berry!", she says, immediately recognizing its significance.

She puts it on the mantle of the fireplace, and she and her husband get on their knees, praising and worshiping the berry.

Word eventually spreads to the neighbors. They start showing up at the door: "We heard about the berry!"

Soon the entire region is worshiping and praising this berry.

Eventually word reaches the local Roman magistrate that there is a religion rising around this berry. Concerned that it may be supplanting Roman dominance, he dispatches his best legion to take the berry captive.

The legion arrives at the farm and the captain knocks on the farmer's door.

The farmer answers, see the legion, and asks, "Have you come to praise the berry?"

The legionnaire answers, "No, we come to seize her berry, not to praise it."

 

Did you hear the score in the game between the Moon and the Earth?



It was tide.

 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

 

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

Guy goes into a bar and asks for a bin laden...

Bartender asks, "what's that?"

Guy says, "2 shots and a splash of water"

 

Have you heard of a Reverse Exorcism?

It's where Satan tells the priest to get out of the child...

 

Why did the chicken coop have two doors ?

Because if it had four, it would have been a chicken sedan.

 

Does that joke help you pickup chicks?

 

This whole home-schooling your kids because of Covid-19 is really tough. Today I had to tell my 10 year-old he didn’t make the baseball team.