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Divorce help - God Damn Epidemic

Discussion in 'General' started by zx6rfool, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. Jaketheone46

    Jaketheone46 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree and they always want to point out what you was or wasn’t doing right. If you fall for this and start blaming yourself your playing right into her it’s ok to cheat game. She can still be your friend but definitely not your girlfriend any longer. The blaming it on you thing is nothing more than a lame excuse.
     
    lazlo and zx6rfool like this.
  2. HPPT

    HPPT !!!

    It may be your fault that she wasn't happy but it isn't your fault that she cheated. Like you said, she could have left you instead. Forgiving is nice, if you have it within yourself to do that, but you probably need to ask yourself if you can trust her again. It's really hard being in a relationship with someone you don't trust.

    Where's my girl Oprah? She should have been all over that shit. Probably busy binging some Hallmark channel. :D
     
    badmoon692008, BigBird and zx6rfool like this.
  3. Yzasserina

    Yzasserina sound it out

    Pass! :crackup:
     
    HPPT likes this.
  4. StaccatoFan

    StaccatoFan My 13 year old is faster than your President

    Awwwwwwww...a new year upon us....a new victim for us to support. Such is the circle of Life.

    Forgiving her is important....it allows you to move on. She's not worth begrudging.

    Welcome..welcome My Friend. If you haven't, please start at the beginning and read carefully through this and any other divorce threads on this Beeb. Word of wisdom aplenty here. No kids, so your situation is obviously less complicated than mine, Fencer, or ZX6RFool's, but it is indeed still a situation.

    Remember, when you're feeling the lowest of your lows through this process, come here. PM me or the other Veterans of Divorce here if you feel the need to vent. Words said in anger here could be reproduced in Court, if she's digging enough to find us, and may hurt your situation. And we don't want that.

    With all that being said, don't let yourself get that low. This IS a process. Probably a year or so to emotionally recover. It's much like when you lose your Mom or Dad. That first year, every Holiday, Birthday or other special occasion gets noted and creates a dip in the roller coaster ride that is that first year of loss. You won't be the first or the last to endure this. It's the beginning of the rest of your life, and it will teach you to further appreciate being alive and being free.

    Keep your head up, get out of bed every day and address the world as it presents itself to you. In dealings with her, ALWAYS protect and put YOUR interests first and foremost. She's NOT thinking of your feelings or concerns, or interests anymore. If she was, she wouldn't have fucked someone else.

    In the end, I'm so humbly thankful I'm no longer married to mine. She's gained over 100 pounds since we split. Now she's as ugly outside as she is inside. She's balanced.

    I'm with a fantastic, sexy woman....we have a great time together. And I'm able to be an infinitely better father to my son because of all this.

    My Xmas wish for you is that after all this is over, your following chapters in your life are as happy as mine are now.
     
  5. HPPT

    HPPT !!!

    [​IMG]
     
    cav115, BigBird and DucatiBomber like this.
  6. Totally agree. There may be an explanation why she cheated but no excuse for it, ever.
     
    badmoon692008 likes this.
  7. StaccatoFan

    StaccatoFan My 13 year old is faster than your President

    Nice! But it's more like this:

    upload_2018-12-23_13-21-35.jpeg
     
  8. Dave K

    Dave K DaveK über alles!

    Damn, you went with both barrels, Elmer. :crackup::cool:

    [​IMG]


    Spoon, sorry man but don't try and fix what's past fixing. The carrillo rods are through the block and oil is on the racing line. Push it to the side and throw some kitty litter on it and move along.
     
  9. zx6rfool

    zx6rfool Stacks Wood

    Agreed, I am far from perfect, but she and he made that choice. And when discussing that very subject I talked about assigning 50% of the blame on him, she asked who the rest fell on, I said her, she said what about you, I replied, Oh, Im not perfect, but cheating, that is 100% on yall, fuck you Im not taking any responsibility for that.
     
    StaccatoFan likes this.
  10. He needs a beating if he knew she was married, you don’t mow another mans lawn and if you do you damn well better be prepared for the backlash. That being said this doesn’t fall on him, it’s 100% on her. He was just an opportunity. He broke a different set of rules but he’s not to blame for her affair. Just to reiterate - he still broke the code and he should suffer some sort of repercussions and those don’t always have to be and in this day and age probably shouldn’t be violent. That wouldn’t be where I focus my energy at this point as it can wait and is probably better off waiting. He just needs a subtle reminder.
     
  11. Metalhead

    Metalhead Dong pilot

    Lol damn straight. I was like BAM!
     
  12. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds


    PM me! I can tell you some of the better things about your situation ;)
     
  13. zamboiv

    zamboiv Well-Known Member

    There is a really drunk guy talking really loud at the United Club in LAX right now. He’s got those stupid AirPods in his ears and is blabbing about how he doesn’t understand why his ex doesn’t want to chat and at least be friends. He’s hammered and I’m waiting for him to start crying. The guy sitting behind me just told him to quiet down - he’s drinking the clear bottoms!
     
    Phl218 likes this.
  14. auminer

    auminer Renaissance Redneck

    I've been looking for a new sigline. :beer:
     
  15. jrsamples

    jrsamples Banned

    If you've already forgiven her, you are way ahead of the curve toward healing your innards, that's for sure. You forgive for the benefit of yourself.

    I've personally seen 3 church ladies do similar stuff. Religion sometimes works as a buffer from instinct, but it can't stop it. I've seen some pray while holding an ice pick in a guy's back (figuratively speaking). Surreal. I'm thinking, what are you praying for, that your husband gets hit by a bus?!!! o_O

    Although I don't know you, the part about you not expressing your feelings is very likely b.s. and just something to redirect blame on to you for SOMETHING, anything that is ambigious. You are being asked to share the blame by attacking the one area where you may have some doubt about your performance. Don't fall for it. Women will say that they want to know what makes you cry and get to your real feelings. They might even believe it. But in the end, it is just not attractive to them. They need and prefer you be the rock of stability. If you've been reliable, take care of yourself, make money, yet you are rather stoic in you daily, then the problem has likely been somewhere else in the mix.

    Getting married is easy. Maintaining real attraction is difficult. It is YOUR burden of performance, to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

    Whatever you decide to do is yours. I will say that once respect for you is lost (they won't screw somebody else if they respect you, no matter the desire) then it is difficult to regain that. Your efforts are almost always better spent on a new prospect. Good luck.
     
  16. Sweatypants

    Sweatypants I am so smart! S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T!

    here's my one thing about these current developments...

    its one thing if its a family member, or you have kids with the person and you have to interact with them on some level for the next 20 years by being a good parent. but no kids? no ties? why forgive her? and kinda not joking here. why alleviate her guilt? she doesn't deserve it, and it benefits you none. this is a person you can cut out of your life and never have to see again ever once this concludes. fuck her to hades.

    and before there's the typical response about the energy it takes or toxicity of hate... 1. hate is a great motivator haha. 2. it really takes zero energy to not forgive her and try and take some metaphorical high road here. note the distinction though, its toxic and takes a bunch of energy to dwell on hating that person and think about it constantly, every day, and let it define you and your life and let it eat you up inside. THAT, you should definitely not hold on to, and is not what i mean. it'll be bad for your health, it'll project negatively outward to new people... that serves no purpose. but to just think a person is a piece of shit and not care about them, how they're doing, what they're up to, if they're good or not... that takes literally no energy at all and in any given day wouldn't even enter your mind. that's easy to do. fuck her. don't give her the satisfaction.

    of all my dozens of exes and hook-ups, i only feel ill-will towards one of them. and i still have to run into her maybe once a year due to mutual people and all. i'll nod cordially, but ask her nothing, i tell her nothing when she tries to pry, it makes her feel awkward, and i'm glad its obvious i still think she's a pile of shit. and i enjoy it specifically because she's the type of person that doesn't like the thought of anyone not liking her and she's a people pleaser. outside of that? never think about it. let that bitch go the rest of her life thinking that i hate her when she sees me. it makes me smile and it takes no effort. either way you choose, i'm sure you'll be fine, just wanted to throw that out there.
     
    pawpawrc likes this.
  17. DmanSlam

    DmanSlam Well-Known Member

    +1 for what jrsamples wrote. Not meaning to sound unsympathetic. But you will recover. Life will go on. Based on what you've shared already, you will likely pay. You will find a way to "survive" which (at 90%+ percent of the "combined" household income) will be easier for you. But you have to pay to play right now. Divorcing is a racket. A lucrative one, for the lawyers. But life will go on. You probably won't really hear nor understand a lot of what people are posting because there's so much stress, anxiety and upheaval going on for you right now. But, in 10 years...yes, that sounds horribly long and far away from "right here and now" where you're trying to deal with what's in your lap right now...your "future you" will look back on this and say, it wasn't that bad. It really won't be. And when you get through this (because you will), you'll be on the forums sounding just like us talking the next young guy divorcing with a broken heart, stressful mind and what-not. Had I known then what I know now. Had I known that, what I thought was going to be so hard then (and, oh, yes, what I thought was so important then) turned out to be "nearly non-issues" now, I would have not procrastinated and, instead, gone all in. Remember, if money can replace something, do NOT fight over it. Anway, stomp that can and do not kick it down the road. Like jrsamples wrote: Bro, you are 36. There is tons of grip still left on your tires. You still have great opportunities

    QUOTE="jrsamples, post: 5392012, member: 30249"]What he said.



    I will tell you this, you have no idea just how common your exact situation is. It is very....disheartening because it is such a frickin broken record and ain't nobody can fix this for you. You are feeling a pain in your gut that won't go away. Your life, once optimistic, doesn't seem to have a point to it anymore. In that regard, YOU are fortunate to have your kids, because there's nothing that you won't do for them, to protect them, and see that they are cared for. You are fortunate because that responsibility will help you to focus your attention and keep your eye on the ball and off the trigger. Those two are going to need you more than you can ever know. And how you handle that responsibility is very important for them and for your own sanity. The numbers prove that if you are not there to guide them, then their future really sucks. Chad is not going to give two shits about them.

    You have to first accept that the Disney marriage fantasy is just a fantasy ingrained in the DNA to ensure the continuance of humanity. It is not real, so this idea of first love, etc. is a creation in your mind. When one realizes this, I have to admit, life's shine is a little more dull. Actually, I wish it were true. The best place that you can get in a relationship is to understand your role and manage your relationship in such a way as to keep it together. You have to purposefully do the right things to make this happen.

    You are looking for answers, and there are answers out there for sure. But, you are going to have to keep an open mind because the bull shit that you have been sold for so long is difficult to get out of your system. It is truly a lot of information to take in, I cannot stress that enough. Once you understand, things will become clear to you where YOU screwed up. I can tell you that it helps to find out the "why" but it doesn't really solve any problems.

    But, the first thing that you have to do is to protect yourself and your relationship with your children. That is your goal. You really need to let go of the concern for her, what she needs, how she feels, etc. She can take care of herself and she will be fine. You can learn about the "why" as you go, but you really need to think about your group of 3 from now own.

    Bro, you are 36. There is tons of grip still left on your tires. You still have great opportunities.[/QUOTE]
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018
  18. ryoung57

    ryoung57 Off his meds

    Indifference is the opposite love, not hate
     
    auminer likes this.
  19. Sweatypants

    Sweatypants I am so smart! S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T!

    indifference would also mean not searching for the strength or working on being able to forgive. also acceptable. i guess to say, less emphasis on your level of feeling, but rather... NOT doing anything for her, is the take-away. let her wallow in her own filth of life choices.
     
  20. Phl218

    Phl218 .

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