Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

What did 1 tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

 

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartendar notices a wheel on the pirate's crotch. The bartendar says, 'Hey do you know you have a wheel on your crotch?' The pirate reponds, 'Argh, it's driving me nuts.'

 

Good ones.:up:

 

Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .


How can you tell an Irish guy is in the hospital?

He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan

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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

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Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

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Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.

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What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

 

Now...I laughed at all of them...but this one had me beating on my desk. That's frickin hilarious, and likely very true. :up:

What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

 

A few things you should do when you reach 40 years old
Piss every chance you get
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection-- even if your all alone

 

how can you tell when the waitress at a bar is mad at you?









when she serves you a bloody mary and leaves the string in.

 

Was that from your bar tending days?

 

Damn, I loved Bloody Mary's until just now

 

C'mon Jimmy...I am a machinist and I remember the Journeyman machinist I worked with back when I did that work...they had some good jokes...so spill the beans Sir.:up:

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path, looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground and rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear, right on top of him reaching for him with his left paw and while raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw brought both paws together....
bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

 

Once upon a time, there were 3 kids in the 3rd grade.

The kids names were Swipey Mikey, Mongo, and some dude named Papa.

Who had the biggest penis and why?














Swipey Mikey 'cause he was 16.

 

Amen! That had the office laughin pretty good.

 

A old southern,slow-talking' truck driver answers and add in the paper for an OTR position. He goes into meet with the supervisor. The supervisor knows they need drivers bad, so he cuts off the entire interview and says:

Supervisor: "Look, if you can pass your certification test, the job is yours."

Driver: "Well, if I pass the test, what time do you want me and Leroy to start?"

Supervisor: "Leroy? Who the hell is Leroy?"

Driver: "Leroy's my swamper. We've seen it all. Me and Leroy been together 17 years."

Supervisor: "Look buddy. We don't hire swampers here. You want the job or not?"

Driver: "Well, me and Leroy been together 17 years. I don't work without Leroy. We've seen everything"

The supervisor knows that they are desperate. So he decides to skip the certification and just do a quick check...

Supervisor: "OK fine. You answer this question right and you and Leroy can start on Monday. Let's say your coming down a mountain and your brake line ruptures. Your gaining speed, you've got no brakes, you can't double-clutch it to get ut down into a lower gear. Up ahead there's a truck jackknifed in the middle of the road and you have no brakes. QUICK, WHATDO YOU DO!?!?"

Driver: "Well, the first thing I'd do is reach over and wake up Leroy"

Supervisor: "WHAT?!?! WAKE UP LEROY?" "WHAT THE HELL FOR?"

Driver: "Well..., Me and Leroy been together for 17 years. And He's seen everything... But Leroy ain't never seen no motherf@ckin wreck like we fixin to have'!!!

 

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, A PREACHER, PLEASE!" Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night, I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 o-72........."

 

:down: uh huh uh huh uh huh I probably did have the biggest penis in the whole 3rd grade...when I was in 3rd grade. I am height deficient, not length deficient. The same ratio applies still today

 

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung".

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

 

How do ya circumcise a West Virginia boy?












Kick his sister in the chin.

 

Why do they call West Virginia the sandwich state?












Because everybody's in-bred